Puff Puff....Ask!

After Denfyre posted this in another thread (found HERE) it became clear to me that the internet may not be the best place to find advice on serious matters...

But it IS the funniest!

So in the spirit of entertainment, I present to you:

[image: cdn.discordapp.com]

Dear Aunty doesn't have the time for all of the questions you've sent in to her obviously, and even if she did...

She's lame!

Lucky for you, I'm always around to answer all of the questions our resident shit-posting cross-dresser Aunty Torn just isn't qualified to answer...

Is your boss giving you a hard time after catching you fapping to last year's Ms. Torn pic? Did your girlfriend tell you it's either her or that 2.5k chain you've been planning for this weekend? Are you looking for Torn-related solutions to a midlife crisis?

I got you fam....

Post your questions here, give me a few to pack a bowl and get thoroughly lit, and prepare to have your life changed!

Disclaimer: I make no promises to actually improve your life....I'm usually high ffs! I can't be held responsible for spontaneous breakups, job loss, mass bounties, etc that may occur. Fair warning.

In the referenced thread by Denfyre above, he asks:

"my gf was mad that I was checking my phone too often, especially when she is talking
Has this ever happened to you? And how do I get help?"

Dear Denfyre:

1) Cook her favorite meal from scratch (yes, you'll probably need to find the recipe online - totally worth it though!) while she's at work, and buy a nice bottle of something bubbly and sweet - cheap wine works, just nothing from a box or the whole plan is f**ked from the start - and serve it chilled ffs!

2) Set the stage: Set the table with your best china (or at least decent paper plates!), and some candles. Dim the lights and turn on something soft and romantic to listen to. And turn off your phone! Keep dinner warm until she arrives...

3) When she gets home meet her at the door and lead her over to the table, pulling out her chair for her. Pour her a glass of bubbly, then serve her the meal you cooked before sitting down to join her.

4) Throughout dinner, talk only about things that interest her. Tell her often how pretty she looks, and how happy you are to be with her. Make lots of eye contact!

5) ............ intentionally leaving this one blank because PG-13, but make sure you do that thing she likes with your tongue!

6) After the dust has settled and she's finally able to breathe again normally, look deep into her eyes and repeat the following phrase:

"The day you start pampering me like I've just done for you is the day I'll stop chaining during your bitch sessions. Until then...suck it up buttercup."

------------

10/10 it'll never be an issue again ;)

What a dog shit thread

Thank you for making the forums worse

Contribute something then...

Or have you run out of people feeding you gossip?

From an anonymous mail just received:

"you use a bar of soap to get clean, but if your drop the bar of soap in the prison shower you get Dante rearranging your insides for you. does that make Dante Clean or dirty ?"

Dear Anonymous,

I'm too high to solve this riddle, but one thing I know for sure is that any self-respecting con wouldn't be named "Dante". If you're ever accosted by this person again, make sure you point out that he'd be taken far more seriously if he'd call himself something a bit more manly, like Kata perhaps...

Don't forget to be back at your bunk before count!

What a way to tell everyone on the forums that you don't have a gf.

Hello Stoned!

Here's a question for you:

How can I find a girl that likes playing games (the video and the tabletop variety), watching movies/series/anime, reading books, and is not overweight (preferably she can get me into fitness as well). If she would be on the dom side of character, I wouldn't mind it one bit. Since this isn't character creation, the rest are fine whatever she might have/be like.

Hi fam!

This is a question I think we can all relate to! Finding the right girl is a tricky task from the comfort of our mother's basements, but fear not - I have a solution:

Lower your standards, my man. Thick women are a sign of prosperity and wealth in many cultures, and speaking from my own experience, are usually way less likely to make you go on a diet just because some lame-brained doctor decides that your cholesterol is too high!

Smoke a fatty, and then go find one! I promise you'll never go back to them barbie bitches with fake boobs and high standards...

Hey brother!

It just so happens that I've got a collection of rare masks in my bazaar, so the short answer would be: roughly 5-7 seconds after you buy one of them.

I'd recommend my favorite, the Gronch...

But I wanted her to make me go on a diet :(

Anyway, thnx a bunch for your insightful words

• On a scale of 1 to 10, what's your favourite colour of the alphabet?
• Why is there so much cow racism in Torn?
• At what point do these lines intersect? Y=3x-2 Y=4x+5
• Why didn't President Castro succeed in creating dog sized cows, to be used as house pets?
• What is the meaning of life?
• What is the meaning behind the painting "Starry Night"
• What is the meaning of Torn?
• What is the meaning of floccinaucinihilipilification? Use it in a sentence. No plagiarism or you'll fail this questionnaire.
• If cows, rabbits, and horses all eat grass then why is our poop different from each other's?
• On a scale of 1 to 10, how great is it to listen to the song "Dissentient" while peacefully grazing?
• How can I cure a hangover?

I will check back and grade your answers.

Hi!

Last time I had a conversation with a cow I was 19 and had just scored the finest kush laced with molly...Ashamed to say that no less than 7 laws were broken, but she was udderly fantastic!

But on topic:

1) Green M&M's - 9/10
2) It's not racism, it's a cultural thing - Beefsteak matters!
3) They intersect on the corner of Hollywood and Vine
4) He did succeed, but it was universally decided that tiny cheese is an abomination.
5) Just do it.
6) Don't do drugs (Republican propaganda smh)
7) Do more drugs (I support this)
8) floccinaucinihilipilification: Something Karens do (ex: I get tired of PatBenetar's floccinaucinihilipilification of anyone who triggers her.)
9) God loves variety (don't worry, it all tastes the same)
10) 10/10 would recommend, but stay out of that hay!
11) Don't get drunk.

Don't get too high, Stoned.

One of these days you are gonna OD and then what will I do with you? Smh

Great question!

The answer in that unlikely event though:

Put me in your pipe and smoke me.

Prolly get higher than a weather balloon off that roll. Have a great time!

Moooooo

Can you front me a half ounce? I am a little short on cash.

Also, I ran out of rolling papers, I use Zig Zags, I searched everywhere for some and found one in my couch cushions. It has an ominous yellowish stain on it tho. Should I still use it? If not what substitutes would you recommend? I have a pipe but that is only for my hash, and I hate bottle tokes.

Thanks

If a woodchuck could chuck wood, how much wood could a wood chuck chuck?

How much cash would you accept to stop posting so much junk?