TLDR: A summary of my own mistakes and how/why you should avoid them.
I’ll preface this by saying that I realise how self-serving this thread may seem, but truly my aim is to give advice and insight from my own experience and troubles. If I help a single person to realise or change their unwanted behaviours, in my opinion it has been a worthwhile endeavour, and as an added benefit I won’t have to keep explaining myself to friends that notice I have returned. To these ends, if all you have to offer is negativity or what you think is comedy – you will be ignored by me. This very likely will be a word heavy thread, so if that’s a difficulty for you, or you’re simply not in the mood, I’d strongly recommend giving this one a miss. For ease of readability, I have split the following into various small sections.
Who am I and why does anybody care?
Well, I am nobody really. I used to play Torn in what I thought was a competitive manner. I’m not particularly strong, but my ambitions and/or goals were to eventually be someone. I wanted everything quick, money, stats and a reputation. I poured a lot of time into the game; I became staff and I joined a faction that in retrospect I had no business being in (JFK – I do miss you guys!). Some of those who know me may assume that GAMBLING is my main problem (more on that soon), but I forgot (read: thought it didn’t apply to me) the fundamental piece of information that most of us know –Torn is a long-term game.
It’s a gamble!
For a stranger looking in it’s probably easy to see my history and assume I have some kind of gambling problem. It’s a difficult accusation to dispute when you’ve gambled away $80 billion in less time than it takes for the happy reset tick to happen. Believe it or not, I don’t actually gamble in real life lol. So, what was I thinking, and what the hell was I doing?
“All or nothing”
I was self-sabotaging. Looking for a way out or quick fix because the pressure of my own expectations was too much for me to handle. On top of trying to be a staff member, trying to justify my place as the youngest in JFK, being in university and having an 8month old son – simply too much of my time was being taken up by the unrealistic goals I set myself on a game I was supposed to be playing to unwind.
I found myself being convinced that if I wanted to play competitively, or just “be decent”, I would require extraordinary volumes of cash. Deciding on the “all or nothing” path swelled my net worth to a point that I, and I imagine a lot of people would have been overjoyed with under different circumstances, but that comes with a whole other set of problems...
“Easy come, Easy go”
When you quadruple your net worth within 30 minutes, it’s extremely difficult to appreciate the value of money. Having had played Russian roulette games for multiple billions really skews your mindset. What value does 100m have to someone willing to risk 250 times that value? It’s easy to be wasteful when you don’t appreciate that what you’re wasting can mean to those who actually worked for it. Sure, I gave away billions to friends and strangers alike – but the benefits of viewing money this way pretty much ends there.
One of the most enjoyable things about playing Torn in the early days is the satisfaction and achievement of certain financial milestones. I still remember how overjoyed I was with my first million, my first 100 million and my first billion. Finding yourself having billions through no particular effort (and this doesn’t only apply to gambling) massively devalues any achievement you make. I remember how deflated I felt when I won a prize in a community event only to realise that the few hundred million dollars I received, meant considerably less than the first time I won a prize and was pushed past the 1 billion NW. The “Easy come, Easy go” mindset makes hard work for low (relatively speaking) income even less appealing.
“Never enough, never, never”
As was beautifully sung in The Greatest Showman, my next realisation was the inability for me to be content with what I have. I remember the various points in my Torn lifetime which I had thought to myself that I was ALMOST happy with what I had. “I have 1 billion but if only I had 5 billion, I’d be happy”, “I have 10billion but if only I had 15 billion – then I’d definitely be happy.”
The slippery slope of greed becomes a repeating cycle. For me personally, I always wanted just a little more – and I’d convince myself I’d need it, that it was absolutely necessary for me to be good, or competitive.
“Where did Ego?”
I asked myself the question – why did I care about all of these things? Why was I trying so damn hard to be good or well known? What kind of person was I trying to portray as myself, and why? Simply, Ego.
I’m not embarrassed to admit that in real life, I’m a busy guy with very little social life. Being encouraged and praised was not something I had received much of before Torn – and if I’m talking about addictive behaviours, I can’t miss this out. I do have the self-awareness to reflect on my need of being liked, praised, and celebrated, and I also know that it’s ridiculous. I used Torn as away to feed my ego, neglecting to realise the fact I was developing unhealthy behaviours or plainly acting like an asshole.
There were times that I, like many, had let my emotion bleed into my interactions with people on Torn, and I understand and respect that some people may not like me for whatever reason they choose. That said, I do try to appreciate the person behind the screen, and one of the private motivations for me applying to be staff was the hope that I could “make up” for my ego and be able to help those who needed it in a capacity that I thought wouldn’t feed into my ego at all.
Breaking point
This combination of behaviours really came to ahead a few months ago. I pressured myself to be as good as some of the well-known, amazing and inspiring players .I had everything I could have possibly needed but had a lack of appreciation for it.
I’d spent so long enjoying myself as a big fish in a small pond that when I found my way into JFK, I felt more pressure still (not from them) to get that praise, feed my ego and pretend to be on a level with some of the most incredible achievers amongst us. I ignored a lot of really good advice, from some really smart people with A LOT more experience. My ego and arrogance got the better of me. I still feel regret over what I did, not because of the money I lost – but I made believing in me a mistake. If I felt like being in a HOF faction was the direction I wanted to go in (it’s not – more on that later), I’d be too embarrassed to even ask. I let the family down, particularly Z_junior, and for that I am genuinely sorry.
My IRL pressures were taking a toll, I wasn’t sleeping very well and I’m pretty much a dumbass. When I realised that I wasn’t enjoying Torn at that time, I impulsively decided upon drastic action – the “all or nothing” mindset taking full control. “If I double my 80billion, surely I’ll be happy in Torn! And if not, I’ll simply quit because I’m super stressed and not finding it enjoyable anyway,”
Well, we all know how that ended
.
The inevitable return
I think at this point it’s a bit of a meme, someone will threaten to quit and they’ll be met with “can I have your stuff” “see you when you get back” (Looking at you, hemi). The truth is, with how I felt about Torn at the time – I really did intend to quit permanently. I didn’t bother preparing to go inactive as many would recommend, and I literally emptied my inventory into a trade with one of my friends.
I wasn’t enjoying Torn, but upon reflection (and the points outlined above) I realised that the problem wasn’t Torn, it was me and what I was trying to get out of it. I suppose that’s the point of all this; too much of something too soon can ruin it for you, but it doesn’t mean the thing itself is the problem.
I sat back and pondered over my time in Torn, which parts I really enjoyed and which parts I didn’t. I must be honest, I have no interest in war, or even fighting at the individual level. I’ll do it sure, but it was never the end goal or reason for my training like many other people. I was talking with ORAN before I returned and I mentioned that I’d even considered restarting completely. He reminded me the beginning was hard, but I’d argue that was part of the fun – hitting mini-milestones, finding your place, making friends and not being overly concerned with faction politics, the ego’s of the big dogs in the yard or how well you may or may not be doing compared to others, especially those who impress us all with their insane progress.
I enjoyed helping people as a staff member a whole lot more than I enjoyed trying to be better than people, but then, we don’t all need to be staff members to spend a fraction of your time providing advice or help that’s invaluable to the person getting it.
Lessons learned (The point of all this)
If you’ve made it this far without having a boredom induced mental breakdown, I salute you. As I started writing this the words just sort of fell out of me onto the page and I fully expect the finished thread to be comparable to the ravings of a lunatic. That said, it felt necessary for me to be able arrive at the conclusions I have, and hopefully those who need it will appreciate how the things I’ve talked about are relevant to the advice I intend to share.
Money – You’ll never have enough of it. Encouraging, right? The fact is, you won’t, or rather the VAST majority of us won’t. Stop telling yourself that you’ll be happy with X amount or Y amount, because it is a lie. I’m not saying that you should aspire to be a bum, or forego the effort to ensure you can move forward, but when you consider that you can take $1.8 billion of SE’s a day, is it really that unrealistic to accept that you’ll most likely never be able to maintain this kind of spend? Don’t make the mistake I did, thinking that it’s the be and end all of Torn and be willing to risk all you have to get something that frankly, most of us don’t need.
There’s a kind of beauty in knowing I am starting again now with almost nothing (and casino banned) – every $ means something to me once again. I can’t earn billions in minutes and actually, I’m glad I’ve been there and done it to know how it takes all the joy from the little things like finding something worth a few million on the map or securing a job for a decent wage!
Faction – As a newer player I looked at the respect HOF and told myself, “One day, I’ll make it to the big leagues”. The problem is, I rushed my way there. As much as I wanted to give all I could to JFK, the reality was that I had very little to offer. I was the weakest, at one time the poorest, the youngest and the naivest. The majority of the big players have been around for a long time, quite a few for more than a decade. They’ve seen it all and more, I can only imagine how obnoxious arrogant new players trying to rush their way forward (like myself) must
seem.
There was no real help OR advice I could offer, to these people – and as lovely as they are (and they genuinely are), I didn’t and still don’t belong. Don’t make the mistake I did, thinking that you need to rush to the top and then be all proud of yourself like some idiot when you’ve essentially made yourself the weakest link in their armour. Now, in deciding to join one of my good friends (Harold), I am positioned in an environment where I have LOTS to give, both in advice AND being able to help people to whom my tiny wealth would actually be appreciated.
Reputation – People have reputations for all sorts of reasons, be that willing to get a bloody face for some internet coins, spend time being funny or helpful in the chats or forums, or being the “king of the forums” (to which you all know who I refer, so it kind of works for him). This is something I can obviously only speak for myself on, but I would still strongly advise a bit of self-reflection here and figure out who you are, who you’re trying to be and why. For whatever reasons people may want to be known (or unknown!), I think it’s so important that we remain aware of a few important facts; We’re all people behind the screen, we all have our up’s and our downs, People make mistakes and have bad days, WE are UNITED in the fact we SHARE Torn as our hobby. It’s not for everyone, and anyone who’s tried to recruit for those cursed honour bars will know this all too well – why would we ever want to diminish our OWN community? I’m probably recognised for a number of things, some good, some bad, but it doesn’t mean I won’t continue to try and make sure those who do know me, know me for good reasons.
I've run out of time but I've probably rambled on enough, If you'd like to add to or discuss my thoughts - please feel free to respond. I will reply to each and every serious comment (when I get time)
I’ll preface this by saying that I realise how self-serving this thread may seem, but truly my aim is to give advice and insight from my own experience and troubles. If I help a single person to realise or change their unwanted behaviours, in my opinion it has been a worthwhile endeavour, and as an added benefit I won’t have to keep explaining myself to friends that notice I have returned. To these ends, if all you have to offer is negativity or what you think is comedy – you will be ignored by me. This very likely will be a word heavy thread, so if that’s a difficulty for you, or you’re simply not in the mood, I’d strongly recommend giving this one a miss. For ease of readability, I have split the following into various small sections.
Who am I and why does anybody care?
Well, I am nobody really. I used to play Torn in what I thought was a competitive manner. I’m not particularly strong, but my ambitions and/or goals were to eventually be someone. I wanted everything quick, money, stats and a reputation. I poured a lot of time into the game; I became staff and I joined a faction that in retrospect I had no business being in (JFK – I do miss you guys!). Some of those who know me may assume that GAMBLING is my main problem (more on that soon), but I forgot (read: thought it didn’t apply to me) the fundamental piece of information that most of us know –Torn is a long-term game.
It’s a gamble!
For a stranger looking in it’s probably easy to see my history and assume I have some kind of gambling problem. It’s a difficult accusation to dispute when you’ve gambled away $80 billion in less time than it takes for the happy reset tick to happen. Believe it or not, I don’t actually gamble in real life lol. So, what was I thinking, and what the hell was I doing?
“All or nothing”
I was self-sabotaging. Looking for a way out or quick fix because the pressure of my own expectations was too much for me to handle. On top of trying to be a staff member, trying to justify my place as the youngest in JFK, being in university and having an 8month old son – simply too much of my time was being taken up by the unrealistic goals I set myself on a game I was supposed to be playing to unwind.
I found myself being convinced that if I wanted to play competitively, or just “be decent”, I would require extraordinary volumes of cash. Deciding on the “all or nothing” path swelled my net worth to a point that I, and I imagine a lot of people would have been overjoyed with under different circumstances, but that comes with a whole other set of problems...
“Easy come, Easy go”
When you quadruple your net worth within 30 minutes, it’s extremely difficult to appreciate the value of money. Having had played Russian roulette games for multiple billions really skews your mindset. What value does 100m have to someone willing to risk 250 times that value? It’s easy to be wasteful when you don’t appreciate that what you’re wasting can mean to those who actually worked for it. Sure, I gave away billions to friends and strangers alike – but the benefits of viewing money this way pretty much ends there.
One of the most enjoyable things about playing Torn in the early days is the satisfaction and achievement of certain financial milestones. I still remember how overjoyed I was with my first million, my first 100 million and my first billion. Finding yourself having billions through no particular effort (and this doesn’t only apply to gambling) massively devalues any achievement you make. I remember how deflated I felt when I won a prize in a community event only to realise that the few hundred million dollars I received, meant considerably less than the first time I won a prize and was pushed past the 1 billion NW. The “Easy come, Easy go” mindset makes hard work for low (relatively speaking) income even less appealing.
“Never enough, never, never”
As was beautifully sung in The Greatest Showman, my next realisation was the inability for me to be content with what I have. I remember the various points in my Torn lifetime which I had thought to myself that I was ALMOST happy with what I had. “I have 1 billion but if only I had 5 billion, I’d be happy”, “I have 10billion but if only I had 15 billion – then I’d definitely be happy.”
The slippery slope of greed becomes a repeating cycle. For me personally, I always wanted just a little more – and I’d convince myself I’d need it, that it was absolutely necessary for me to be good, or competitive.
“Where did Ego?”
I asked myself the question – why did I care about all of these things? Why was I trying so damn hard to be good or well known? What kind of person was I trying to portray as myself, and why? Simply, Ego.
I’m not embarrassed to admit that in real life, I’m a busy guy with very little social life. Being encouraged and praised was not something I had received much of before Torn – and if I’m talking about addictive behaviours, I can’t miss this out. I do have the self-awareness to reflect on my need of being liked, praised, and celebrated, and I also know that it’s ridiculous. I used Torn as away to feed my ego, neglecting to realise the fact I was developing unhealthy behaviours or plainly acting like an asshole.
There were times that I, like many, had let my emotion bleed into my interactions with people on Torn, and I understand and respect that some people may not like me for whatever reason they choose. That said, I do try to appreciate the person behind the screen, and one of the private motivations for me applying to be staff was the hope that I could “make up” for my ego and be able to help those who needed it in a capacity that I thought wouldn’t feed into my ego at all.
Breaking point
This combination of behaviours really came to ahead a few months ago. I pressured myself to be as good as some of the well-known, amazing and inspiring players .I had everything I could have possibly needed but had a lack of appreciation for it.
I’d spent so long enjoying myself as a big fish in a small pond that when I found my way into JFK, I felt more pressure still (not from them) to get that praise, feed my ego and pretend to be on a level with some of the most incredible achievers amongst us. I ignored a lot of really good advice, from some really smart people with A LOT more experience. My ego and arrogance got the better of me. I still feel regret over what I did, not because of the money I lost – but I made believing in me a mistake. If I felt like being in a HOF faction was the direction I wanted to go in (it’s not – more on that later), I’d be too embarrassed to even ask. I let the family down, particularly Z_junior, and for that I am genuinely sorry.
My IRL pressures were taking a toll, I wasn’t sleeping very well and I’m pretty much a dumbass. When I realised that I wasn’t enjoying Torn at that time, I impulsively decided upon drastic action – the “all or nothing” mindset taking full control. “If I double my 80billion, surely I’ll be happy in Torn! And if not, I’ll simply quit because I’m super stressed and not finding it enjoyable anyway,”
Well, we all know how that ended
.
The inevitable return
I think at this point it’s a bit of a meme, someone will threaten to quit and they’ll be met with
I wasn’t enjoying Torn, but upon reflection (and the points outlined above) I realised that the problem wasn’t Torn, it was me and what I was trying to get out of it. I suppose that’s the point of all this; too much of something too soon can ruin it for you, but it doesn’t mean the thing itself is the problem.
I sat back and pondered over my time in Torn, which parts I really enjoyed and which parts I didn’t. I must be honest, I have no interest in war, or even fighting at the individual level. I’ll do it sure, but it was never the end goal or reason for my training like many other people. I was talking with ORAN before I returned and I mentioned that I’d even considered restarting completely. He reminded me the beginning was hard, but I’d argue that was part of the fun – hitting mini-milestones, finding your place, making friends and not being overly concerned with faction politics, the ego’s of the big dogs in the yard or how well you may or may not be doing compared to others, especially those who impress us all with their insane progress.
I enjoyed helping people as a staff member a whole lot more than I enjoyed trying to be better than people, but then, we don’t all need to be staff members to spend a fraction of your time providing advice or help that’s invaluable to the person getting it.
Lessons learned (The point of all this)
If you’ve made it this far without having a boredom induced mental breakdown, I salute you. As I started writing this the words just sort of fell out of me onto the page and I fully expect the finished thread to be comparable to the ravings of a lunatic. That said, it felt necessary for me to be able arrive at the conclusions I have, and hopefully those who need it will appreciate how the things I’ve talked about are relevant to the advice I intend to share.
Money – You’ll never have enough of it. Encouraging, right? The fact is, you won’t, or rather the VAST majority of us won’t. Stop telling yourself that you’ll be happy with X amount or Y amount, because it is a lie. I’m not saying that you should aspire to be a bum, or forego the effort to ensure you can move forward, but when you consider that you can take $1.8 billion of SE’s a day, is it really that unrealistic to accept that you’ll most likely never be able to maintain this kind of spend? Don’t make the mistake I did, thinking that it’s the be and end all of Torn and be willing to risk all you have to get something that frankly, most of us don’t need.
There’s a kind of beauty in knowing I am starting again now with almost nothing (and casino banned) – every $ means something to me once again. I can’t earn billions in minutes and actually, I’m glad I’ve been there and done it to know how it takes all the joy from the little things like finding something worth a few million on the map or securing a job for a decent wage!
Faction – As a newer player I looked at the respect HOF and told myself, “One day, I’ll make it to the big leagues”. The problem is, I rushed my way there. As much as I wanted to give all I could to JFK, the reality was that I had very little to offer. I was the weakest, at one time the poorest, the youngest and the naivest. The majority of the big players have been around for a long time, quite a few for more than a decade. They’ve seen it all and more, I can only imagine how obnoxious arrogant new players trying to rush their way forward (like myself) must
seem.
There was no real help OR advice I could offer, to these people – and as lovely as they are (and they genuinely are), I didn’t and still don’t belong. Don’t make the mistake I did, thinking that you need to rush to the top and then be all proud of yourself like some idiot when you’ve essentially made yourself the weakest link in their armour. Now, in deciding to join one of my good friends (Harold), I am positioned in an environment where I have LOTS to give, both in advice AND being able to help people to whom my tiny wealth would actually be appreciated.
Reputation – People have reputations for all sorts of reasons, be that willing to get a bloody face for some internet coins, spend time being funny or helpful in the chats or forums, or being the “king of the forums” (to which you all know who I refer, so it kind of works for him). This is something I can obviously only speak for myself on, but I would still strongly advise a bit of self-reflection here and figure out who you are, who you’re trying to be and why. For whatever reasons people may want to be known (or unknown!), I think it’s so important that we remain aware of a few important facts; We’re all people behind the screen, we all have our up’s and our downs, People make mistakes and have bad days, WE are UNITED in the fact we SHARE Torn as our hobby. It’s not for everyone, and anyone who’s tried to recruit for those cursed honour bars will know this all too well – why would we ever want to diminish our OWN community? I’m probably recognised for a number of things, some good, some bad, but it doesn’t mean I won’t continue to try and make sure those who do know me, know me for good reasons.
I've run out of time but I've probably rambled on enough, If you'd like to add to or discuss my thoughts - please feel free to respond. I will reply to each and every serious comment (when I get time)
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