Anxiety Problems

Hi all,

My name's Josh. I have major anxiety issues and are mostly due to a diagnosed anxiety disorder known as GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder).

I have been on Torn off and on for years, roughly since early-to-mid 2019. Before mid-2020 and even shortly after mid-2020, I was a huge nuisance to the Torn community and even local communities in the real world. I had no patience, was quick to anger and trolling, did and said some not-so-nice things regarding being a player in Torn. I was consequently fedded multiple times and given non-fedded punishments.

So you're probably wondering if you have anxiety why do you do stuff that causes even more anxiety for you?

I suppressed a lot of anxiety during my youth by replacing it with anger. After bogie allowed me back into Torn, I have been a rule-abiding Torn citizen and continue to be one, however, I have now un-suppressed my anxiety and suppressed 99% of my anger. So I now find that I'm a nuisance towards staff but not because of rule-breaking or disrupting the Torn community but due to major anxiety concerning anything that I think may be a rule break when in reality a sound mind would know it isn't.

I don't know if I'm the only Torn player that is like this or if there are others. In any case, does anyone have any tips on trying to deal with this particular anxiety?

Thank you and I hope you enjoy the upcoming weekend. (Subscribers get ready for subscriber rewards!)

What is the root of your anxiety?

I only have anxiety when I have to be under the bright sun. So I go to work usually very early in the morning (near dawn lol), afternoon, during rainy, or cloudy day. Or I don't go out at all. I can stay at home for months or a year unless for work. Hence I got kicked out from many schools. My root was because I had physical defect from a kid until highschool. So I'm afraid people can still see it eventho I no longer have it. Now when I really must go out, I rationalize my fear by saying "I no longer have it. Nothing to see anymore". But I still very rarely want to go out at noon. But the anxiety is no longer crippling to a point I can't function.

Do you think if you found the root of your anxiety, it can help you?

Hey Dede.

Thanks for commenting on my thread.

I think my root cause of my anxiety is probably fear. My past was absolutely horrible. I'm only 23 but as a youth I was not a nice human being. I guess I'm fearful of anger. Fearful of relapse. Fearful that anxiety goes away and anger comes back. It's weird to think about that the one thing causing me anxiety is the one thing that I'm glad to have gotten rid of when I turned 20.

It's hard to move on when most of my life (before 20) was focused on hating humans, being toxic, bullying, etc. It's been a few years since I reformed and I feel like I can't be out in the community due to lack of confidence that has come with the anxiety.

If there were a pill that could stop anxiety completely but also stop anger, I'd take it in a heartbeat. Until then, I probably should seek out counselling.

Thanks for helping me think. Kinda using this thread as a diary haha.

It might be kinda silly, but maybe think about keeping a diary to write down in with pen and paper too. You will slow down your thoughts, can get some aggression out by making the words as big and messy as you want!

Hi, don't give up.
1. Have you ever harmed another human beings or animals? Kick, pull, push, slap, bite etc?
2. Did you enjoy it?
3. What made you decide to reform?
4. Do you have any reminder (place, people, picture) that reminds you of your reformation or made decide to change?
I ask not to judge but to get clear view of your situation. I rarely check forum these days. But I will check this and reply when I can.

Hi Dede,

Sorry for the late reply. I've started having really severe depression to the point where I've been asleep most of the weekend and my emotions and thoughts are not doing too well.

1. Without going into detail, yes. I have.

2. When I was younger, maybe, but now I wouldn't enjoy it.

3. Being remanded in prison for 5 months under 21-23 hour lockdown in a jail cell scared me to the point of reform. (This was in 2020)

4. I've never really thought about this. I would fear that recollection of what made me reform would scare/traumatize me again. Prison was very traumatizing. I think I reformed out of fear than out of want at the time but now it's a bit of both. Reform out of fear and the desire to change and be a better person which I still struggle with. I have improved my life so much since I was a youth but I still have a long way to go and I am very tough on myself which probably drives depression and social isolation even more. Feeling worthless and not good enough for the world because of my past.

Self isolation is not the answer. This is coming from me, a true hermit irl. Ik sounds untrue, but ppl who know me for years can testify. I do have a tendency to stay in my room for weeks or months. To stay at home for years. I'm actually perfectly ok not having a phone or internet. I mean people suck. No matter what we do for them, they will disappoint us. But building walls will halt our growth, especially our growth in skills. N idk about you, but I love having a multitude of skills.

Boundaries shouldn't be about keeping people out but to keep people in. How you set boundaries should be about keeping your loved ones safe from your anger outbursts. So start building boundaries not walls. Anger is good. Aggression is even better. It is the power to make change, improve, and enforce fairness and rules. Compassion without rules will leads to chaos. Something our current society seems to forget. Caring without discipline will grow spoiled little brats and disabled mentality. But we must understand how to use it in a more positive attitude.

1. Take note of what can trigger your anger.
2. Put in note anytime you are angry. Then find something in the past that is related to it.
3. Deal and be at peace with your past.

I have one story for you regarding how important it is to be at peace with your past. I know 2 people with the same problem as you. A brother and a sister. They both had violent childhoods. They both have a tendency to physically abuse people they love. One time I was really angry at her beating up her son I yelled at her because it was way over the line.

Both had children of their own. But the sister decided to look and learn from the past. She understood the violence happened because she thought hitting is a form of love. Because her dad always told her "i hit you because I care about you." That was a toxic thing to say, wasn't it?

So she chose to learn the REAL love languages. She chose to learn and accept the fact that their father was a wrong and horrible person. And she chose to forgive him anyway. But the road to that was painful ofc. Lots of self introspection and self healing tears. Until she was fully ok.

The brother? Not so much. He continues his evil journey and is a very toxic person. He is now a scammer. A person who scammed his own family.

In life there is no easy way to grow as a person. Easy way is to run and hide. Fight or flight. But those are wrong. Those are signs of bad conflict management. I say this not to say I am perfect. Like I said I am the worst hermit you can find irl. Flight or run is my M.O. but it doesn't mean I am giving up to be better myself.

Oftentimes I too wanna isolate myself including my friends in torn. But ofc there is always that one friend who will remind me that running is not gonna solve anything. Bite the bullet and ride the bull by its horn. Find things that become a wall between you and people and work on to break it down.

IE I have problems with expressing emotions and empathy. This is my way to work on it:

[image: media.discordapp.net]
Yeah by relating it with something I enjoy. A competition.

Btw, also try to forgive yourself. If people don't want to share the same energy with you, don't beat yourself up for it or don't be offended. Just accept it's their way of setting boundaries and that's ok. If they can't forgive, that's ok too. Give them the freedom they deserve. Just chop down and cut off any dead limbs of your tree and move on. So you can have a fruitful life like them.

Gl

Ps: this me dealing with my anxiety. After 18 years wearing long sleeves n turtle neck to hide my defect, i finally ended it. I got tired of the physical and verbal abuse because of my defect. So I told my Mom to go see a doctor and ended it. I keep this picture and look at it whenever I feel inferior. Heck I look at my pictures anytime I remember the trauma. You know just to remind me it will never happen again. If you have any photo or things or anything at all regarding your jailing, keep it everywhere u go. It will give you extra strength.

[image: media.discordapp.net]
Gl

Hey Dede,

This is very wise advice and I thank you from the deepest part of my heart for taking the time to share your life, your beliefs, and your advice with me. I very much appreciate it.

I can definitely relate to you on the hermit part. At least since September last year. Since I moved back to a city I hadn't lived in for years and was the city where most of my youth was spent causing trouble, I haven't wanted to interact with the community. I've built up this massive wall trying to find excuses for community outings and only going out with my support workers for the essentials and then back home in my dark unit.

I also struggled with an eating disorder when I moved back to the city I'm in. From September 2022 until roughly May 2023 I had a binge-eating disorder. It was so tiring and super exhausting. I forced myself to vomit and originally had done so at least 8 times a day. Magically, it went away in May 2023. I'm now a lot better on the eating disorder front but still eat an unhealthy diet which definitely probably contributes to poor mood and a poor desire to exercise as the more unhealthy foods I eat, the bigger I get, and the less I want to do exercise. I'm honestly lucky I don't have diabetes yet.

Thank you once again for your advice. I will definitely take note of it. Load image: smiley

Hey Dede,

Anxiety can ruin our lives. It's the flight response being activated but 24/7. Constant anxiety and fear. I'm glad you overcame what you struggled with. You look unique in your own way with or without a defect. You didn't and don't deserve verbal and physical abuse for any defect you may have. That's their problem with their unnecessary opinion. They most likely have something going wrong in their lives and are trying to project it onto you.

I hope you have a great start to your week. Load image: smiley

Awh look at you be possitive and all. I think you have it in you morethan I do. I have faith in you. I know you can not see my face atm but I am nodding with approval as I type this.

Please don't give up to be a good person that you are. Even when people suck, always try to be good and to do good.

Cheers

Thank you all for sharing your stories and your honesty it's helpful for me.
I'm 44 now and and can remember the day anxiety came knocking nearly 20 years ago that said ever since I was put into childcare aged six because of a abusive father and my mother couldn't look after us my life was never the same and I see that now.

After reconnecting with my mother aged 14 and moving back in with her life started to feel OK until the day I watched her die from a massive heart attack is the day it started slowly to start with like not communicating or eating but then I found drugs they let me escape but eventually the panic attacks started on and of and because my mums HA and a brother having H surgery I always thought I was having a HA every anxiety attack.

Moving forward to the last few years I had to escape a abusive relative and toxic people.
I moved into supported housing where I still live which is nice to have a safe space but I'm now a hermit I can go weeks with out speaking eat or washing and on top of that a young man's moved in who has some real anger issues and its made my anxiety pop it's ugly head up.

So finding this thread and reading through it has helped along with writing my post.

PS I wasn't good at English writing at school lol

practice mindfulness you need to take deep breathes whenever you feel anxious

Warr;or.

Hey Josh. Having anxiety can make dealing with things really tough. At work, in school, at home. There are times when you can't outrun the cold feeling in your chest no matter how hard you try. I know it well.

I guess my advice is to distract yourself from the feeling, rationalize why the fear won't manifest, and focus on a specific goal. That goal can be as simple as "I'm going to send that email this morning," or "I'm going to do my laundry today."

Also, there's someone here who commented that you should identify the root of your anxiety. Which is good advice. We all have to face our demons one way or another.

Stay strong. Take care. I hope things work well for you.

Hello my friend.

Im dealing with agoraphobia for 4 years now so last year and this new one gave me a solid confidence boost as im reaching new goals day by day, feeling finally free of questioning everything i see/overthinking.

Torn helped a lot, its something u do on daily basis and its getting u a bit more stable if ur also reaching ingame goals in long term. Also i love watching travel vlogs seeing someone living a dream is nice to see.

Everytime im out in city feeling bad i know i can come back to this virtual town and everything is so calm and stable here somehow u know.. thank u for sharing

Hey me too! Lol

in recovery now tho i would say I’m not anymore as I’m fully able to leave my house on my own and be away. Only had it for about almsot 2 years