Let it out.

Loneliness comes when you less expect it

Have you ever had so many mistakes and that one of them is from being manipulated by someone who's supposed to be your friend? I did. I was very young by then like 7th Grade you know how it was for young boys like me, arrogant and reckless so i joined this big circle right like one of the biggest circle in the whole class. One of the leaders approached me and told me to kick out one of the leader which was his closest friend, till today I don't know why or what the reason was but i was afraid of being an outcast so i followed and then the circles got divided so on and so forth. I broke the friendship we all had then few years later 6 or so. It hit me when i was just daze, it made me question my actions back then i ended up casted out while behind my very back those two leaders suddenly got together. It was then that i teared up like, i asked i just started making friends why did they do me like that I don't even get to fights i am a kid who they can lean on.

And it was then i got really scared and anxious with people i get to be friends and i always keep it on my mind that, i should not get manipulated again and that i should only have people i trust and follows me on my circle and oh boy was i wrong. I only saw my friends as someone of value and as soon as they don't have nothing of worth it seems like i tried to push them away, it was then i began to be judgemental of people approaching me with nothing but politeness. Being the coward i am i tried to manipulate the people whom i called and treated friends i pushed away those who i deemed someone I don't like I BECAME SOMEONE WHO I HATED THE MOST and i even did not fight for the love of my life when she had it worse. All because i was afraid she would hate the real me, i am a coward always was and always will be.

I really want to know a lot of people and talk stuff but i am too bad with handling my emotions when no one answers me whenever i greet or talk. So i always ended up not showing myself and standing in on the corner away from attention.

Smoke less weed.

Be patient, do things for you that bring you joy.


If that fails get a dog, those things are ideal mental health aids and are so sycophantic they'll never not love you.


But also, keep talking. Although probably not on torn, the maturity level is on par with the empathy sometimes.

Where are you based roughly speaking?

I backstabbed my parents and my God.

I was in kindergarden and my dad told me to sell newspapers in a traditional market (I knew how to read n count). But then I got lost and met an old couple who promised to take me back home. Mind you I wore a jacket and I kept the leftover newspapers inside my jacket.

Anyway they asked how I got lost and what I was doing on the street alone. I told them I was having morning jogging. I lied because I was shy about our family profession. They asked about my religion, I lied too. I was shy about my religion and my family because my friends and my neighbours made fun of me about that all time. They were very racist people.

Since then I don't betray my god, my family or anyone ever again. Instead of betraying, if people ask questions I don't like I will simply not answering. My loyalty for my family and friends had been tested many times.

1. My oldest sister often played outside with her friends whenever our parents were out. Anytime my dad called our house to check on her, I would lie for her. And ofc my dumb ass sister would get caught. My father beat me up anytime he got home for lying about my sister. And I would still do it next weekend.

2. One of my friends had a fight with someone. The victim lost his arm so the victim's family were looking for revenge. I loaned him my clothes and got rid of his bloody shirt and weapon. I also hid him somewhere for 6 months until his family took care of the matter.

In torn I can assure you my loyalty has been tested same ways many times too. Got bountied and bullied for sticking up for my friends for months.

I don't naturally like the idea of wanting to be accepted by people or to be part of any social group. I don't even like people if I have to be honest. But I can say this tho. Don't be too hard on yourself.

If you learn about cognitive function, maybe you use Extraverted Feeling function. It's very important for people who use this function to merge with other people. To accomodate others ESPECIALLY strangers n the people they don't even like. And not to annoy or offend anyone. Because for them the true test of their kindness is by showing it to people who don't deserve it. They don't mind sacrificing themselves or people they love for greater good. You can see extreme example in Jesus.

As for the opposite of this will be Intraverted Feeling function. People who use Intraverted Feeling are me. You can see the extreme level from the examples I gave you. On extreme level, these people will sacrifice the whole world and everyone in it for the selective few people they love. Those were ofc the extreme n unhealthy example. Well I was teenager and unwise.

So yeah don't be too hard on yourself. Maybe you just reacted the way your cognitive functions naturally react.
Ofc those Feeling functions also depend on the perceiver function each person has.

Here educate yourself than feel sorry about yourself:
https://personalityjunkie.com/functions-ni-ti-fi-si-ne-te-fe-se/

What is Blud? Like blood? Waffling? I did not mention waffles though. Waffle house is somewhere around the block yeah.