HOBBY DEFUNCT

i ran 64 miles yesterday, aiming to win enough irl money to be a torn subscriber for 10 years.(Only for first 10 out of 38) i started before 6 am and finished after 9 pm . over 15 hours on my feet, by the end my pulse pounded in my neck like a drum a doctor checked my bp 160/86, heart rate in the 150s. my body broke down, bruised thighs,  muscle pulls, a stiff neck and eyes so sensitive to light that i had to dim my phone and use an app to mask the screen brightness. i squeezed in a guild war mid race barely hanging on. They made me rest, hydrate and breathe but i still ended up hospitalized, pumped with drips and meds stuck in a state of exhaustion beyond pain, a chatty beautiful nurse walked in but i felt nothing, no recognition, no attraction just cold detachment.

 

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 24 hours later my bp is at 150/103 my heart rate dropped to 61 but something feels off with the increase in the diastole, the Doc says marathons put me at risk for hypertension and aneurysms, I ran marathons to avoid anxiety, doom scrolling,Grandiose Delusions, beating my Henry and other brain deadening stuffs. Shit made me realize that I’M A BIG LOSER lost a hobby, no prize won, just a participation certificate that i wasn’t even there to receive. I’M A BIG LOSER JUST LIKE MY TITLE SUGGESTS.

One thing you're not, is a looser. 

 

How many people can say they ran even 1/2 of what you did? 

 

You set a goal for your self. You got up, left your home, then you ran not 5 miles or 15 miles but over 64 miles! Most people don't even walk that in a month. 

 

You pushed your self until you dropped. Your mind didn't break, your body did. You are one Hella strong willed person. 

 

Instead of thinking of what you didn't do or can't do, think of how much you did. Close your eyes and think of that day. All those other people. Remember the area. The people you passed. How many racers did you leave in the dust? How many were already bent over holding onto their knees well before you started to break. 

 

Those people are beating their selves up as well. And what would you tell them? Chin up, you pushed hard did a great job? Why not tell your self the same thing? 

 

You worked hard to get where you did. 

 

If the doctor says you can try again next year then start training. Drink a gallon of Gatorade the 2 days before. Give your self proper vitamins or what ever you do before your run. What ever your usual is before. And try again. If you can't run, maybe try racing bikes 

 

But find the love you had for your self that pushed you to do marathons. 

 

The one think you're nor is a looser. Because you chose to do something and followed through with it. Not many people can do that. 

 

You are loved 

You are wanted 

You are needed

There is only one you 

There is no one else like you

You are unique 

You can not be replaced 

 

You are truly amazing in so many ways.