Alright, listen up degenerates.
After years of grinding crimes, dodging jail, and laundering just enough to stay under the radar (mostly), I’ve come to the realization that something’s missing in this war-torn, drug-fueled hellhole of a city…
A partner in crime. Literally.
I’m on the hunt for a spouse. Not just any spouse—someone loyal, ride-or-die, and ideally with a decent net worth (hey, I’m not shallow, just fiscally responsible). Someone who doesn’t flinch at a mugging, can appreciate a good bazaar hustle, and won’t ask too many questions when I disappear into South Africa for a few hours with 3 cans of Xanax and a dream.
About me:
- Active daily (and in denial about it)
- Looking to build an empire… or at least a power couple.
- I come with steady income, emotional damage, and decent battle stats
You:
- Doesn’t mind a bit of friendly hospital time
- Can cook (or at least revive me when I overdose)
- Willing to hit that marriage bonus with me like it owes us money
Let’s turn Torn into a honeymoon we never recover from.
Reply here or mail me in-game.
Let’s make this marriage as toxic and profitable as possible.