Dear Smack Daddy in the sky. My parrot 'Jim Bob' ate the last of my purple Kush, and now he won't stop talking about that time we brought home a barrel of Vaseline, three sheep, and the Dallas Cowboy's cheerleaders. We had to remove the carpet and repaint the walls, and I still keep finding wool in every box, closet, and cupboard. Debauchery at its finest! I'll never look at pom poms the same, again. Anyway...
It wouldn't be such a big deal, but my girlfriend's best friend's sister is here, naked, and she'll probably tell my wife (she's a Cowboy fan. I know, right?) when SHE gets back from the tanning salon. Uhm, why is she naked, you ask? Well... I always thought 'because' was a very good answer when it came to dropping 'trou'. Need I say more? Boobies?!?
Please help my nudist nightmare and send some Xanax for my bird, or enough cash for a decent lawyer. Thanks. Amen.