Need 300 bottle caps for an art project? Building a syringe tower for spiritual reasons? Stockpiling candy like a corrupt dentist prepping for war? No shame. No judgment. No idea why you want this stuff. But I’ll get it.
🔍 What I Do
💐 Hunt down flowers like a botanist with unresolved issues.
🧸 Track plushies for emotionally unstable collectors and mafia-affiliated teddy hoarders.
🧃 Source sketchy items: syringes, bricks, light bulbs, candy... and probably your unresolved trauma.
🧪 Supply medical goods hospitals pretend they don’t need. (You and I know better.)
🍬 Collect rare Torn candy — because sugar is still legal. For now.
🚗 Vehicles too. Want a car? I know a guy. Who knows a guy. Who might owe me a favor.
🐂 Yes, even bull semen. Don’t ask. Just bring gloves.
💼 Operate with 100% efficiency and 0% morality.
💰 Payment Terms
💵 20% deposit up front — commitment is sexy, and so is not getting scammed.
📦 Delivery first, payment second. I finish the job before I count the cash — always.
📈 2.5% above market price or $150,000 flat fee, whichever's worse for you.
💎 Rare items accepted as payment: Xanax, LSD, E-DVDs, maybe even your soul if it's tradable.
🤝 Referral Program
Want to profit from someone else's shady shopping list?
🤑 Referrer: Earn an extra 0.5% commission on every order your recruit makes — forever.
💸 Referred: Pays only 2% on their first purchase instead of 2.5%. Welcome to the family.
Example: Buy 6,000 Vicodin at $1,000 = $6,000,000. Normal fee (2.5%) = $150,000 → Your buddy pays $120,000 (2%) You earn $30,000 (0.5%) Everyone wins. You get paid. They pay less. I keep collecting like a lunatic with a clipboard.
🧠 Why Use Me?
Time is money — and yours is better spent stabbing, looting, or doing crimes. Let me collect the weird stuff so you don’t have to explain why you need 85 blood bags and a wedding dress.
I don’t ask why. I ask how many and when.
“He delivered 500 light bulbs in 3 days. No questions. No cops.” — BlindInTheAlley “I needed 200 bricks for reasons I can’t explain. He didn’t even blink.” — UrbanPriest “I told him I needed candy and cow juice... 24h later, I had both.” — SweetBull
⚠️ Minimum order: $500,000. If your request sounds illegal, I’ll probably still do it — I’m faster than the rules.
📬 DM me with your wish list. Let’s turn your madness into merchandise.
Slogans I May or May Not Be Proud Of:
🧠 “No shame. No limits. No refunds.”
💉 “You want 100 syringes? I want to not know why.”
🪙 “If it exists in Torn, I can find it... probably in a dumpster.”
🏴 “Out of blood? Borrow some from your victims.”
🕶️ “Black market style, customer service smile.”
🔎 “100% legally questionable service with 200% commitment.”
Just finished securing 505 morphine units for a client who knows the value of playing it smart. Total damage: $7,000,000, all taxes, fees, and moral ambiguity included. Fast, clean, and absolutely no questions asked – because honestly, nobody wants to hear your sob story when you’re dealing in the shadows.
Need the impossible? The illegal? Or just something that’s been impossible to get since the dawn of Torn? Slide into my DMs. I’m your guy who makes your darkest desires a reality – legally questionable but effective.
What the “professionals” say:
🩺 Dr. Payne: “Ran out of morphine because it mysteriously ‘disappeared.’ Totally my fault? Nope. Kiikiaskell strikes again.”
🩺 Dr. Healmore: “Patients keep asking where the morphine went. I’m just as confused as you are... but the dealer’s got it all.”
🩺 Dr. Numberson: “I tried to keep the hospital stocked, but apparently someone’s got better connections. Kudos, Kiikiaskell.”
Fair prices, quick delivery, and discretion that would make a spy jealous. Whether you want to heal, hoard, or start a questionable pharmaceutical cult, I’m your guy.
“Professional enough to deliver, shady enough to keep it interesting.”
Hi! I’m looking to buy lots of garden gnomes. Don’t ask me why, I just can say it’s “work related”. I offer full market value for them. Just send me a dm with the amount and we’ll figure out how much do I owe you.