Tonalnan: forum

Duke Calabrese, the famous loan shark, was a kind and cheerful man at some time. One day, he went to the store to buy lollipops. The plump saleswoman Sally loved to mock the good-natured loan shark. Duke couldn't stand her and often called her a "stupid c*nt."

 

"Well, Calabrese," said the plump saleswoman upon seeing him, "you must have come hopping in for some lollipops. Do you love sweets?"

"I adore them," replied Duke, somewhat reserved.

"And did you make them for eating them like that?" she suddenly asked slyly. "Have you ever made lollipops, Calabrese?"

"Me? Make lollipops?" Duke repeated.

"Are you f***ing yourself in the ears, Calabrese?"

"No," said Duke. "To both questions, the answer is no."

The famous loan shark knew how to be concise.

"Well, make some first, and then we'll talk," the saleswoman triumphantly concluded.

"Just a moment," said Duke. "If I made lollipops, why the hell would I need to buy it from you, you stupid c*nt?"

"Your troubles don't bother me at all, Calabrese," the saleswoman calmly countered. "I have nothing better to do than demagogue with you. I'll sell you sugar. But no ready-made lollipops," she showed him a calloused fist for emphasis, grabbing her elbow. Duke pondered this.

 

"And you," Duke finally spoke, "have you ever made lollipops yourself?"

"I have made it, dear boy," said the saleswoman. "I've made so much that you'd eat it your whole life and still have some left for your faction."

"I don't have a faction," Duke informed her.

"That's some bullshit," said the saleswoman. "No faction, can't make lollipops, and all he knows is how to annoy honest saleswomen."

"Are you an honest saleswoman then?" Duke asked with interest. "Your face looks like Mussolini's. Honest people have diffrent faces."

"And what's wrong with Mussolini? What has he done to upset you? He also made lollipops if you want to know. Oh, you inept boy."

Duke shuffled uncertainly on the spot.

"Fine, f**k it," he waved his hand dismissively. "Give me your sugar."

"Remember this, Calabrese: sweets are the basis of the economy, not money," the saleswoman said with satisfaction. "Remember it well."

"I'll remember," Duke said with hatred. "I'll remember it well."

 

The next day, Duke returned to the same store.

"What do you want?" asked the saleswoman.

"Give me sugar," Duke replied through gritted teeth.

"What, have you learned to make lollipops?"

"I forgot to ask you, bitch. Give me sugar."

"For such rudeness, I might just hit you with a ladle..." mumbled the saleswoman.

"Give me sugar, I said." The saleswoman handed over sugar. "And now eat."

"What should I eat?"

"Eat sugar."

"Why on earth would I do that? You eat it."

"I said eat," said Duke and pushed the saleswoman's face into the sugar. "How does that taste?" The saleswoman obediently ate the sugar and looked at the loan shark with frightened eyes. "Pleasant, isn't it? I ate that crap all evning yesturday."

 

Duke never learned to make lollipops.

Duke died. He enters the gates of paradise with his stuff packed in a large suitcase and is greeted by St. Peter:
- So, have a seat; let's see if you are on our lists... So you are not in the main list, not in the additional one... What do we have here... and this is Form 193, certificate A74... no, that's not it... Clearly, you are not on the list. What can you do? You must go to hell. Go there.

There's nothing to do; Duke is going down to hell. There Lucifer himself greets him with open arms:
- Duke, my fellow friend! How we've been waiting! Come in; you will find a private room with all amenities. Cigars, girls... Would you like a glass of Christmas Spirit from the road?

They are sitting, drinking, and talking, and then Duke remembers that he forgot his suitcase with things in paradise. Lucifer summons two lesser demons:
- So, quickly rush to heaven and bring the respected loan shark his suitcase! Just to have one foot here and the other there, do you understand?

 

Well, the demons rushed to heaven. And there St. Peter's shift ended; he locked the gate and went to his chamber to rest. The imps are running back and forth near the gate. What to do? They can't go back without a suitcase; Lucifer will skin them. They climbed over the fence into paradise....
And two archangels are standing guard and watching all this, and one says to the other:
- Look, Duke has been in hell for only 20 minutes, and we already see his new mission contractors!

Duke decided to see how citizens lived, impersonated himself by making up, changed clothes, and surreptitiously went to the market. He approaches Bob the seller:

- How much does a bottle of champignone cost?
- $4500
- Why is it so expectansive?
- Because I need to pay debt to the loan shark asshole!

 

Duke left; the next day he came in a suit with a guard to Bob again:

- Hello
- Hello, Mr. Calabrese
- And how much does a bottle of champignone cost?
- $4500
- Why is it so expectansive?
- I told you, asshole, yesterday!

Duke's car broke down near the Torn psychiatric hospital on the way. While the car was being repaired, he went out to get some fresh air.

 

And then the psycho shows him his fist from the window. Well, Duke is a fist to him. The psycho has two fists for him. Duke twirled his finger at his temple, saying that psycho was a fool, and left.

 

Later Duke tells, "I saw such a fool; he showd me a fist, I showd him a fist, he showd me two, I twisted it at my tempal. A fool, as I said." 
And the psycho tells another, "I saw Duke. I show him, 'Hey, hold Torn citizens' money with a firm arm.' He shows me, 'I got it.' I show him 'better with both hands,' and he shows me 'not enough brains.'"

Duke Dumping Time. Sugarvalves appears in the dump where a lot of awaiting citizens are and tells them, "Dear citizens, today's dumping event is canceled: Duke just broke a leg."

 

Pause. Everyone looks at each other, and finally one of them asks loudly, "To whom?"