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THE GREAT GOONER ELECTION OF 2091

The town of Shambleburg was a special kind of stupid. It was the only town in America where the average IQ dropped by five points every election year.

This was largely due to two things:

1. The town’s water supply was still recovering from years of being spiked with Mango-Vape Serum.

2. 100% of the population vaped so much that the entire town looked like a haunted fog machine at all times.

The election for town mayor was coming up, and everyone was too dumb to realize it had already happened three times because they kept forgetting.

THE CANDIDATES

1. Mayor Chester “Chest-Hair” McDoogle – A man who hadn’t legally won an election in 30 years, but nobody could remember how to remove him from office.

2. Randy the Brainwashed Gooner – A man whose entire platform was based on “improving town morale,” but everyone knew this was code for unlimited Wi-Fi and lotion rations.

3. Tracy the Tranny Cyborg 9000 – A vape-fueled, AI-enhanced ex–Waffle House employee who had ascended beyond gender and uploaded herself into the town’s power grid.

4. A Possum Named Dave – A wild possum that accidentally got on the ballot after someone tried to register their pet possum for a driver’s license.

THE RISE OF THE CONSPIRACY MORONS

While the election was already chaotic, things got 1000% dumber when the town’s three biggest conspiracy theorists held a Vape-spiracy Rally in the parking lot of Jimmy’s All-You-Can-Spleef Vape Lounge.

THE LEAD IDIOTS:

• Big Greg – The town’s self-proclaimed “scientist” who had never passed 3rd grade and once tried to prove that the moon was just a government hologram made of cheese.

• Lizard Terry – A man who was 100% convinced that all mayors, including McDoogle, were actually lizard people, despite having absolutely no evidence.

• Tina “Clouds” McGee – A woman who vaped so hard her own house disappeared in a vape cloud for three weeks, and believed that oxygen itself was a hoax.

THEIR MAIN CONSPIRACY:

“The GOVERNMENT put MICROCHIPS in our VAPES to control our BRAINS.”

Now, this was objectively untrue, but that didn’t stop anyone from believing it immediately.

Big Greg took the stage (a broken trampoline) and spoke into a shoe he thought was a microphone.

"Wake up, sheeple! Every time you hit a vape, you lose three IQ points and get closer to becoming a full-time gooner!"

The crowd gasped.

Tina “Clouds” McGee blew a fat cotton cloud so dense it knocked a bird out of the sky.

Lizard Terry grabbed a random man in the crowd and shouted, "Name one time you’ve seen Mayor McDoogle blink!"

The man froze. His entire life flashed before his eyes.

"...Oh my god."

Before anyone could question anything, Big Greg revealed his latest invention: THE VAPE NEUTRALIZER 5000.

It was literally just a car battery duct-taped to a fishing pole.

"I’m gonna use this to disable every vape in town! No more brainwashing! No more lizard government!"

The crowd cheered.

They were ready to riot.

THE ATTACK ON CITY HALL

Fueled by misplaced rage and zero factual information, the conspiracy theorists led a smoke-covered, vape-fueled march on City Hall.

Unfortunately, City Hall was actually just the backroom of a Dollar General, and nobody had noticed for 15 years.

Big Greg stormed inside, screaming, "Show yourself, lizard man!"

Mayor McDoogle was asleep in a lawn chair, covered in nacho crumbs.

"What—huh?" McDoogle snorted awake. "Y’all again? It ain’t even election day!"

Lizard Terry threw a handful of baby powder in McDoogle’s face.

"He’s shedding! That’s lizard skin!" he screamed.

McDoogle sneezed so hard he fell out of his chair.

Things escalated instantly.

• Big Greg electrocuted himself trying to disable vapes and passed out for 14 minutes.

• Tina “Clouds” McGee accidentally fogged up the entire building, causing six people to run into a wall.

• Lizard Terry screamed "They’re coming for me!" and hid in a mop bucket.

THE FINAL SHOWDOWN: THE GOONERS VS. THE VAPERS

Just when it seemed like Shambleburg couldn’t get any stupider, Randy the Brainwashed Gooner and his cult of Wi-Fi-addicted weirdos showed up.

"This is it," Randy declared. "The final battle: vapers vs. gooners."

Both sides lined up.

On one side: The conspiracy theorists and the vapers, blinded by fog and misinformation.

On the other: The gooners, half-asleep, wearing sweatpants and gaming headsets, too far gone to understand what was happening.

For ten whole minutes, both sides just stood there, blinking.

Nobody moved.

Nobody spoke.

Then, Possum Dave wandered in, stole a vape pen, and ran off.

THE FINAL VOTE

Because the riot made everyone too tired to vote properly, all ballots were once again scribbled nonsense.

And somehow…

Possum Dave won. Again.

Mayor McDoogle sighed and packed his things.

Randy wandered into the woods, never to be seen again.

Big Greg continued to electrocute himself in the name of science.

And Tracy the Tranny Cyborg 9000 took control of the power grid, making sure the town’s Wi-Fi would now randomly shut off at 3 AM to prevent future gooning incidents.

THE AFTERMATH

• Lizard Terry still thinks the mayor is a lizard.

• Big Greg now believes vapes are “radioactive mind-control tubes.”

• Tina “Clouds” McGee accidentally vaped herself into another dimension.

• Possum Dave declared Tuesdays illegal.

And that is how a possessed possum, a cyborg tranny, and a gang of conspiracy theorists accidentally saved a town from total collapse.

THE END.

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