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DickMagnum [4028671] Level 19 Traveling BoW - 4.20 Warrior

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Basic Ranked War Defense - Dick Magnum Style · · 23 likes

If you're reading this it's likely that you're one of the good ones...

OR one of the bad ones.

Either you're the kind of player who proactively reads tutorials to gain new skills and sharpen old ones, OR you've bled like a stuck pig in the last war or wars and somebody directed you to read this tutorial specifically. If that's you, don't take it the wrong way. This introduction is necessary because defense is, at its heart, the responsibility of the individual. You should be using one of the three methods below to ensure that you cannot be farmed for points. YOU should take responsibility to make sure you meet this bare minimum. If you have an IRL reason why you can't meet this responsibility for this war or that war, you should at least take responsibility for communicating that to your faction leadership. If you regularly can't participate in ranked war, you probably shouldn't be in a ranked war faction.

 

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PREPARATION

If you can't already use bloodbags, you should immediately take the Intravenous Therapy education course (and the required prerequisite Introduction class). https://www.torn.com/page.php?sid=education&category=4&course=127

These two classes should absolutely be completed before completing the sports science classes. Maybe you'll want to snag a couple of the optimal sports science classes first, but you'd be a fool to wait around months and complete the bachelors before learning how to use blood bags.

 

Blood bags are by far the most effective medical item and being able to use them is one of those bare minimums you should be meeting.

Buy empty blood bags from the pharmacy and fill them regularly to make sure you've got a plentiful stash in your inventory for ranked wars. Buy some blood bags of the wrong blood type from the item market or bazaar and also buy lots of ipecac. You should have at least 20 of each before a war. Preferably more.

 

----------------

 

METHOD 1 - SELF HOSPITALIZATION 

This is simple, but requires frequent maintenance to stay safe. Using an ipecac or blood bag of the wrong type will put you in the hospital for 60 to 90 minutes, but THEY DO NOT STACK, so you need to be active every hour or so to refresh your hospital timer. You can use another one while you're still in the hospital, but they will never take your hospital timer higher than 90 minutes, so let your hospital timer tick down to 5 minutes, then drink another ipecac and your hospital timer will safely increase to 60+ minutes. You can also access the faction armory from the hospital, so you can use faction blood bags or ipecac if they're available and you don't have your own.

 

Other self-hospitalization options include buying a small explosive device and putting it in an empty box to create a parcel that explodes when opened and hospitalizes you for around 5 hours. But the small explosive device is very expensive (around $5 million as of this writing), so its use case is fringe at best.

 

You can also intentionally injure yourself in an arson crime by repeatedly stoking a fire with gasoline, which is inexpensive and makes a long hospital timer, but it burns nerve and crime experience and is also significantly slower than any other method so it's not useful under pressure.

 

METHOD 2 - BOUNTIES

Since self hospitalization requires maintenance every hour or so, it's not a solution when you're AFK for hours for sleep or work or whatever. Bounties are an easy solution. Players with under a million battlestats will get hit pretty much instantly with just a $200,000 bounty or even less. With the bounty fee you can put three bounties on a mid to low level player for $500,000 to $1,000,000. Three bounties will reliably get you 9 to 12 hours in the hospital. You can't place bounties on yourself, but it is your responsibility to ask for someone in the faction to place the bounties on you. It is also good etiquette to pay for your own bounties or at least offer to pay, but if you're new or broke, your faction may be able to shoulder the cost. It's imminently worth the money. Defense wins wars and WINNING ranked wars is by far the most profitable activity in Torn.

 

METHOD 3 - FLYING (Forbidden Technique)

There is considerably more depth to the use of travel as a defensive method than there is to methods 1 and 2. Travelling is free and allows long periods of safety, but comes with significant risks. One of the important factors of advanced overseas defense is that it is nested together with advanced overseas offensive techniques. This tutorial is intended to focus on the BASICS of DEFENSE so I won't go into too much depth on advanced or offensive techniques, but suffice to say that the better you are at the game (through high stats, timer discipline, and competence with battle techniques), the more powerful travelling is in war for both offense and defense.

HOWEVER, if you're the kind of player who needed a tutorial on basic ranked war defense to begin with, you're more likely to fall victim to the dangers of travel as defense than you are to reap the benefits. If you're a noob or a bleeder, try to get the instructor types in your faction to give you some one on one attention with regards to war travel. The intermediate and advanced techniques rely on teamwork and coordination anyway, and you could use the practice (you disgusting noob/bleeder).

 

THE RISKS: The enemy team gets bonus points for hitting you overseas, and you're also at a huge disadvantage against an attacker trying to chain hit you the second you come out of the foreign hospital. Unlike in the hospital in Torn you can't use blood bags or med kits to get out of the hospital, so your opponent knows exactly when you'll be able to be hit again, and if he has his shit together, he just has to spam the start fight button when you're about to heal out and he'll almost always already be attacking you faster than you can do the two clicks to fly home.

 

THE BENEFITS: You can't be attacked while in transit between locations, and you have 15 seconds of immunity from attacks as soon as you land, allowing you to safely get back on the plane and fly away. Flight times to distant locations get as long as 3.5 hours, so if you can reliably set an alarm to notify you when you're about to land, you can fly back and forth between distant destinations indefinitely. Plenty of bounty hunters hit overseas too, and because they get the same countdown your ranked war opponents do if you're in a foreign hospital, they can collect your bounty the second you come out of hospital and potentially break a chain of you getting farmed. Additionally, when bounty hunters or other people outside the ranked war hit you, you can get early discharge from the hospital, jumping out at will no matter how long your hospital timer, negating the attacker's advantage and allowing you to fly away, save a chain, hit a weaker enemy target, or a combination of the above.

 

If you're slow, weak, stupid, incompetent or ugly, you should be careful about sitting overseas during war. Big players on the other team may use a business class ticket to fly out to get you, making the enemy's flight times unpredictable, and flying overseas and just sitting there is an incomplete defensive strategy. They may come for you eventually and you might not be handsome enough to get away.

 

(There are MANY scripts and websites that make ranked war MUCH easier to manage mechanically. If you're getting farmed by opponents with seemingly inhuman speed and omnipotence, their script game is almost certainly stronger than yours. There are so many options for improving your performance through scripts and external websites that they're outside the scope of this basic tutorial, but if you're not already using them, you should learn them sooner rather than later.)

 

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That's it. End of tutorial. Get the hell out of my office.

Gambling on sumo wrestling, a solumn duty. · · 8 likes

Did you know there is a 15 day grand sumo tournament taking place in tokyo Japan right now? Did you know that there is a similar Basho (or "sumo tournament" for you gaijin) every other month?

 

Can you imagine it? Poet-warriors crashing into one another and hurling their opponents' massive, powerful frames out of the ring... Dominating the dohyo with the implacable, stony-faced stoicism of modern samurai?

 

WE SHOULD BE GAMBLING ON THIS SHIT!

 

The torn city casino bookie is shamefully lacking in the noble art of sumo. I certainly hope someone will be fired over this blunder.

 

Smez's Trading Post, Buying Almost Everything! · · 2 likes

(Lonesome saxophone music plays in the distance)

 

There's only three things more important to Dick Magnum than being a hard-boiled noir stereotype... One is list making... One is his uncanny expertise at counting... One is his dream of operating an unprofitable detective agency... And one is fair trades at a good price... Smez paid the best rate around for expensive cans of Rockstar Rudolph, and that money is going to help a mere Dick Magnum, become the inimitable Dick Magnum, Private Eye.

 

Yer a good one Smez...

 

(Lonesome saxophone music)

Dick Magnum's guide to level 15 (flying and becoming a man) · · 9 likes

(a lonesome saxophone plays in the distance)

 

Here's to you kid. You made it. Now that you're level 15 you get to start playing the real game.

So here's what's next.

 

FLYING

This is how you're likely going to be making the majority of your money for the foreseeable future. There's only a couple sources of better income available in the game, and you're almost certainly too weak, too stupid, and too ugly to take advantage of those.

 

FIRST STEP - rent a private island with an air strip, and hire a pilot

SECOND STEP - get a large suitcase 

 

Obviously you may need to do some flying to afford both of these, but you want to get these upgrades as soon as possible. All your funds should go toward these two goals. These steps are 100% non-negotiable. Your base amount of overseas items you can carry is only 5 items. The private island with airstrip and pilot bumps your capacity up to 15, which is the single largest increase available. Plus, until you have that airstrip you're paying for every flight which is cutting into your profit margin. A 7 day rental on a bare bones private island with an airstrip usually costs less than 4 million, and with the increased carrying capacity it will pay for itself in a day or two of smart flying. (DO NOT RENT THE CHEAPEST ISLANDS ON THE RENTAL LIST. An island with 2000 happy DOES NOT HAVE AN AIRSTRIP) (Don't forget to hire a pilot in your property upgrade menu before you fly out the first time)

 

The large suitcase increases your capacity by 4 more. Don't waste your money buying a small suitcase or medium suitcase. They don't stack. Ask your faction if they have large suitcases in the vault they can loan you when you're getting started. If they don't, scrape together 10 million and fly to Hawaii and buy one (they're cheaper in Hawaii than in the item market or bazaars). Hopefully you're in a faction with excursion bonus that brings your total carrying capacity to 28 or 29 items.

 

-

 

WHERE TO FLY AND WHAT TO BUY

 

You've been hearing a lot about Flowers and Plushies, but there's a third category that is newer and that most existing tutorials don't cover, and this third category is more profitable and considerably easier to sell than flowers or plushies, and that category is CONTRABAND.

 

CONTRABAND

Contraband are items for sale in almost every overseas location. They tend to have a slightly higher upfront cost than flowers or plushies, but they also sell for much more than the flowers or plushies available at the same location. And importantly, CONTRABAND CAN BE SOLD FOR FULL VALUE AT BITS AND BOBS. Flowers and Plushies need to be sold to other players through the item market (which takes a 5% fee off the top of your sale price and exposes you to the risk of buy-muggers) or to a trader (which introduces a delay in converting your purchases back to cash to go fly for more items), or a bazaar (which you don't have [because you're poor {and ugly}]).

Don't try to sell your contraband on the item market. The price other players will pay for it is lower than what you'll get at bits and bobs.

 

FLOWERS AND PLUSHIES 

Why buy them if contraband is better profit and easier to turn around? Mainly because flowers and plushies stock more frequently than contraband. Most locations are almost never out of all their flowers and plushies, but depending on the location, much contraband will frequently be out of stock.

 

There's a few more categories of items for sale overseas, they probably don't matter until later, but you should know what they are.

 

ARTIFACTS 

Artifacts are another category of items that can be sold to traders or item market, sometimes for a profit, but some artifacts have a market value below what they cost overseas, so some will actually sell back in torn for a loss. They're also much more expensive than flowers or plushies or most contraband. You probably can't afford the 15 million or so it will cost to bring back 29 Patagonian fossils from Argentina, but if you can, they can have a pretty good profit margin. Every location has arrowheads, but many of them sell for a loss in torn, so don't buy artifacts unless you're sure you can sell them for a profit.

 

DRUGS

Can have excellent profit margins (Xanax from Japan and Neumune from Switzerland), but they're very, very expensive and almost never in stock (don't be fooled by that Xanax in canada. It's in stock because it's so expensive there that you'll sell it for a loss in Torn)

 

GUNS

Don't buy them. You'll see the huge profit margins on some, but you won't be able to sell these for market price and you'll feel like an idiot (a poor, ugly one)

 

RANDOM USELESS JUNK

f**k it, buy that Japanese cat statue you weeb.

 

-

 

HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT TO BUY WHERE? 

 

Use a website or script that tells you what items are at which locations, how much they cost, how much they sell for, and if they're in stock. I recommend YATA, which is useful for lots of other things, and has an excellent overseas items tracker (and if you're too stupid and ugly to figure out how to connect websites like YATA to your torn account with API keys, YATA's overseas item tracker works just fine even without the API key)

 

https://yata.yt/bazaar/abroad/

https://yata.yt/bazaar/abroad/

https://yata.yt/bazaar/abroad/

https://yata.yt/bazaar/abroad/

 

Click the link and select an overseas location. Let's say China. It will open a list of all the items available for sale in China. It will tell you how much they cost, how many are available for sale, how much profit you'll get for reselling them are market value, and even how much profit/hour you get from them when factoring in flight time for different locations. Click on profit/hour and it will sort the list according to profit per hour (clicking it once sorts it in ascending value, so click profit/hour twice and it will put the most profitable items at the top). You'll see that the most profitable item in China is Pangolin Scales (or whatever it is now if this guide is old). Note that since contraband items like pangolin scales actually sell for more at bits and bobs than their market value, most or all contraband is actually MORE PROFITABLE than it appears on YATA. At most locations the contraband is the best profit margin, followed by the plushies, then the flowers (not counting the drugs or artifacts because they vary dramatically from location to location)

 

Before you get on the plane you want to look at the possible purchase items at your location, most locations will have three or four target items. Figure out which one is most expensive and bring just enough money to buy a full load of those. The most profitable of your targets might not be the most expensive of your targets, but you're not yet smart enough to predict which items will still be in stock when you get there, so be prepared to buy a full load of any of your target items. If they have the #1 most profitable, buy that and get outta there. If you have to settle for #3 buy it and get out of there.

 

DO NOT LINGER OVERSEAS

As a newly minted level 15 you are easy prey for muggers. They know you brought 4 million to try to buy those pangolin scales (or maybe even 19 million for Xanax in japan if you're greedy). You have 15 seconds of immunity from when you land. That's enough time to buy your shit and f**k off. If none of your target items are in stock, buy some cheap bullshit or go home empty handed. Waiting around for items to restock with a couple million in your pocket is asking for trouble. You can do it later when you're strong enough to defend yourself, but YOU WILL BE MUGGED if you wait around past your 15 seconds of safety as a fresh faced level 15 (who is ACTUALLY level 15 and not a legendary predator holding 80 levels and masquerading as a level 15).

 

When you get mugged overseas you can't use items to med out of the hospital, you'll have to wait the full 40 minutes or whatever, and the muggers can see your hospital timer. If you have enough money on you to buy a big load of contraband, you have enough money to chain mug until you're flat broke, and the muggers CAN and WILL mug you faster than you can buy your items and fly away. You've been warned.

 

-

 

This page from the wiki lists all the contraband and artifact items available overseas. Not all of them are worth buying. Contraband sells to bits and bobs. Artifacts, flowers and plushies sell to other players.

 

https://wiki.torn.com/wiki/Contraband

https://wiki.torn.com/wiki/Contraband

https://wiki.torn.com/wiki/Contraband

https://wiki.torn.com/wiki/Contraband

 

-

 

Flying efficiently with upgraded carrying capacity, you can be making up to 8 million a day or so (more if you've got money and luck to buy high dollar, high profit items like Xanax and Ambergris)

 

-

 

DON'T LOSE YOUR MONEY TO MUGGERS

 

As a newly minted level 15 player with low battlestats, you're an easy target for every thug in the city, so until you've got the strength to fight back, you need to never hold money in your wallet unless you're flying, in the hospital, or actively purchasing. Your two best options at this level are to hold your money in stocks, or in your Cayman Islands banking account. Both work, but both have pros and cons.

 

STOCKS

PRO - instant access to your money

CON - purchasing the stock ticker from the points building costs 50 points (about 1.5 million dollars)

 

Stocks also take a small fee when you cash them out (0.1%) but that fee is insignificant for the paltry sums you are dealing with and you shouldn't concern yourself with it til you're dealing with hundreds of millions or billions of dollars in stocks.

 

Technically you can also lose or gain small percentages of your money based on the shifting value of each stock, but again, the gain or loss is insignificant until you're rich as Croesus, so don't worry about which stock or their values.

 

CAYMAN ISLANDS ACCOUNT

PRO - No fee for withdrawal. Plus you actually get a small percentage of interest gained on money in this account 

CON - Flying to the Cayman Islands takes 25 minutes, so it's a 50 minute round trip EVERY TIME you wanna deposit or withdraw 

 

The interest on your Cayman Islands account is as insignificant as the fee on your stocks, so unless you're a phenomenally cheap bastard, stocks are a vastly superior way to keep your money safe. The only case where you might consider using the Cayman Islands account instead of stocks as your primary money storage is if you're still trying to afford to rent your first private island and don't wanna spend the million dollars on a stock ticker, in which case the Cayman Islands account COULD be an acceptable temporary solution.

 

-

 

End of tutorial. Get the hell out of my office.

The Adventures of Dick Magnum, Private Eye, Part 4 · · 2 likes

The Adventures of Dick Magnum, Private Eye - Part 4: Liaison D'etre

 

Dusk was gathering and casting its uniquely dreary shadow over midtown as you finally saw your secretary leave the building and walk to her car. You'd been waiting nearby for almost an hour, waiting for her to close up shop so you could really get down to business, but she'd been working later and later recently, an unfortunate industrious habit that was really cutting into your Magnum time...

 

Your frustration had been mounting for hours, even before you got back and saw her towncar still parked up the street. It had probably started mounting as soon as you'd mounted the little rented outboard motorboat back to the city... It had continued to mount as you waited impatiently by the dumpsters behind the pharmacy at 14th and Mount Street in little Herzegovina, where your little Balkan protege could be counted on to rush the development of a very sensitive couple rolls of film. It was still mounting as you mounted the narrow stairs up to the third floor and mounted down the hallway, tunnel-vision focusing on the flickering bulb mounted beside your door two thirds of the way down the hall. Your eyes narrowed as you noticed a new bit of wear on the black lettering mounted to the frosted glass window of the door to your office, a tiny curl of fallen lettering on the carpet the key to solving the puzzle of the inscrutable title now applied under your name: DICK MAGNUM - PRIVATE FYE.

 

You could feel the frustrating and uncomfortable weight of your 38 special revolver in its holster. What was ordinarily your pistol's reassuring solidity had become a profoundly distracting, insistent lump of unrealized potential where it prowled, undrawn, in its holster. You almost hissed with forestalled relief, loosening your holster as you crossed the outer office to open and close the blinds three times, signaling to Luka that the coast was clear and he could come up to the office with the developed photos. You were in such a hurry to get to your desk and get your gun out of its holster that you almost missed the unusual state of the reception desk in the outer office. Every letter and file and other office detritus was absent from the ordinarily densely packed surface of the curving reception desk, the only item remaining on its freshly-polished surface was Grace's typewriter, a short letter typed out on the single piece of paper protruding needily from the apparatus.

 

You weren't in the business of letting any mystery go uninvestigated, no matter how minor, at least, not minor mysteries right here in your office, so you tarried a moment to read whatever correspondence had been so important that your secretary had apparently felt the need to clear her entire workspace in order to focus on it. It appeared to be a help wanted ad.

 

Seeking receptionist for unprofitable detective agency.

Subject must be patient, passionate, and romantic.

Must have excellent typing credentials and a willingness to waste the best years of your life pining for a man who doesn't know you exist.

 

After a brief thorough investigation you concluded that Grace must be moonlighting again for another agency. Payroll had been running a few weeks behind and if the state of her little studio apartment in Maniac Flats was any indication, she didn't have a particularly sound savings and investment strategy. She had probably been working late typing up ads and other documents for this unprofitable detective agency she was working for on the side. You reflected briefly on the bold and untameable persona of the unknown gumshoe as implied in the brief wanted ad, and you made a note to yourself to subtly dock Grace's pay to make up for the time she was spending trying to hire a full time receptionist for this other inscrutable dick.

 

Before you had time to reflect further, you heard the labored breathing of Luka coming down the hall, and you quickly relocated to your inner office, the portly young Croat finding you seated behind your desk with a whiskey and a cigarette, and that signature Magnumly poise. You liked Luka. He had a surprisingly sharp mind for a Serb, and you knew you could count on him for a quick, discrete turnaround on photos like this. Your knowledge of Luka's own peculiar habits, hobbies, and peccadillos gave you a unique assurance that his discretion could be counted on. You poured him a glass of your cheapest whiskey out of your most expensive bottle while he carefully removed the freshly-developed photos from an envelope and spread them out across your desk.

 

"This one's a real looker Mr. Magnum..."

 

"She works at a fitness center uptown."

 

"W-Well it shows... those calves alone... Its a shame you didn't get any real dirt in these two rolls of film... Your 8mm Mikon takes pictures that look almost like an oil painting with the kind of lighting she's got in her parlor..."

 

You sat silently surveying the evening's handiwork, holding back any response and waiting to see with almost-interested curiosity just how many of the key details Luka would pick up on.

 

"So what kinda case is it Mr M? If you don't mind my asking..."

 

You reminded Luka to say the whole thing, and told him the full name was on the front door if he couldn't remember who he was talking to.

 

"S-Sorry about that Mister Magnum... And... And... Speaking of your front door... I can get that E fixed up for you first thing tomorrow."

 

"Thanks Luka. You're a good kid. But to give it to you straight, these aren't for a case at all."

 

"Oh, you mean cause her husband hired you to catch her cheating on him but she's faithful?"

 

"I mean there is no husband Luka. No husband, no affair... No contract."

 

"Doin' this one on spec Mr Magnum?"

 

"Yeah, something like that Luka..."

 

"She sure is pretty... Wonder why she's not married... Where'd you say she lives again?"

 

"Didn't." You weren't about to give your perverted little protege any tips on where to find the little island where her house awaited your inevitable surveillance.

 

"Well... Seems pretty plush wherever it is... Ritzy y'know?... You like the rich ones doncha Mr M... agnum?" When you didn't respond, sipping your whiskey and holding up one of her photos for closer examination, Luka stammered on "C-C-Classy too it looks like... Except for all those stuffed animals... There must be hundreds of em... In every room it looks like... And... Are they ALL cats?"

 

"Kitties Luka... Kitties. The details matter."

 

"What's she want with all those kitties Mr Magnum?"

 

"You'll understand when you're older Luka..."

 

"So... Well then... W-whats next?"

 

"Think I'll send her a little care package..."

 

"Oh yeah? Like what?" Luka's wide grin displayed his crooked, Yugoslav dental work, but his thick lips gradually crept back down over the yellowish enamel as you examined the photos in silence. Sensing your growing reticence to talk, Luka graciously thanked you for your gratuity and excused himself. "G-G'night Mr Magnum..."

 

Before the outer office door banged shut you were already easing your gun out of its holster and reaching into the bottom drawer for the little ceramic bottle of mineral oil. With a dame like this at the heart of it, there was no telling how intense this case could get... Better keep your pistol in perfect working order... You never know when you might have to use it...

Recent archived posts

Trip's "Target Trove"! · · 1 like

Yes I saw that trip was rip. I posted in the thread out of hopes that someone else had some sort of editorial control to make ongoing redactions from the list, but I'm unsurprised that is not the case. Rip Trip

Trip's "Target Trove"! ·

This guy should probably be removed from the list. Rank professional. He's wearing a gas mask, was hard to hit and all my hits did 0 damage. (My strength is less than 500k as of this writing, but no other target on the list has been unbeatable.)

 

https://www.torn.com/profiles.php?XID=965274

Basic Ranked War Defense - Dick Magnum Style ·

Thanks again for the feedback. Incorporated the basics into the travelling section.

Basic Ranked War Defense - Dick Magnum Style ·

Thanks for the feedback. The travelling section needs more nuance as it has so much depth. I wrote this for my faction forum originally and we're still working on training noobs/retraining bad habits, so I feel I may have overstated the danger and undersold the opportunities. I also wanted to keep the guide short and basic and specifically focused on defense, so I intentionally avoided discussing techniques of offense and defense nested together (like popping out to hit and medding back in).

 

Regarding bounties abroad: you say they're more likely to be collected than in the city, which is one area where I'm pleased to be straight up wrong... Based on your age you have a lot more direct experience than I do, so I appreciate the insight.

Basic Ranked War Defense - Dick Magnum Style · · 23 likes

If you're reading this it's likely that you're one of the good ones...

OR one of the bad ones.

Either you're the kind of player who proactively reads tutorials to gain new skills and sharpen old ones, OR you've bled like a stuck pig in the last war or wars and somebody directed you to read this tutorial specifically. If that's you, don't take it the wrong way. This introduction is necessary because defense is, at its heart, the responsibility of the individual. You should be using one of the three methods below to ensure that you cannot be farmed for points. YOU should take responsibility to make sure you meet this bare minimum. If you have an IRL reason why you can't meet this responsibility for this war or that war, you should at least take responsibility for communicating that to your faction leadership. If you regularly can't participate in ranked war, you probably shouldn't be in a ranked war faction.

 

----------------

 

PREPARATION

If you can't already use bloodbags, you should immediately take the Intravenous Therapy education course (and the required prerequisite Introduction class). https://www.torn.com/page.php?sid=education&category=4&course=127

These two classes should absolutely be completed before completing the sports science classes. Maybe you'll want to snag a couple of the optimal sports science classes first, but you'd be a fool to wait around months and complete the bachelors before learning how to use blood bags.

 

Blood bags are by far the most effective medical item and being able to use them is one of those bare minimums you should be meeting.

Buy empty blood bags from the pharmacy and fill them regularly to make sure you've got a plentiful stash in your inventory for ranked wars. Buy some blood bags of the wrong blood type from the item market or bazaar and also buy lots of ipecac. You should have at least 20 of each before a war. Preferably more.

 

----------------

 

METHOD 1 - SELF HOSPITALIZATION 

This is simple, but requires frequent maintenance to stay safe. Using an ipecac or blood bag of the wrong type will put you in the hospital for 60 to 90 minutes, but THEY DO NOT STACK, so you need to be active every hour or so to refresh your hospital timer. You can use another one while you're still in the hospital, but they will never take your hospital timer higher than 90 minutes, so let your hospital timer tick down to 5 minutes, then drink another ipecac and your hospital timer will safely increase to 60+ minutes. You can also access the faction armory from the hospital, so you can use faction blood bags or ipecac if they're available and you don't have your own.

 

Other self-hospitalization options include buying a small explosive device and putting it in an empty box to create a parcel that explodes when opened and hospitalizes you for around 5 hours. But the small explosive device is very expensive (around $5 million as of this writing), so its use case is fringe at best.

 

You can also intentionally injure yourself in an arson crime by repeatedly stoking a fire with gasoline, which is inexpensive and makes a long hospital timer, but it burns nerve and crime experience and is also significantly slower than any other method so it's not useful under pressure.

 

METHOD 2 - BOUNTIES

Since self hospitalization requires maintenance every hour or so, it's not a solution when you're AFK for hours for sleep or work or whatever. Bounties are an easy solution. Players with under a million battlestats will get hit pretty much instantly with just a $200,000 bounty or even less. With the bounty fee you can put three bounties on a mid to low level player for $500,000 to $1,000,000. Three bounties will reliably get you 9 to 12 hours in the hospital. You can't place bounties on yourself, but it is your responsibility to ask for someone in the faction to place the bounties on you. It is also good etiquette to pay for your own bounties or at least offer to pay, but if you're new or broke, your faction may be able to shoulder the cost. It's imminently worth the money. Defense wins wars and WINNING ranked wars is by far the most profitable activity in Torn.

 

METHOD 3 - FLYING (Forbidden Technique)

There is considerably more depth to the use of travel as a defensive method than there is to methods 1 and 2. Travelling is free and allows long periods of safety, but comes with significant risks. One of the important factors of advanced overseas defense is that it is nested together with advanced overseas offensive techniques. This tutorial is intended to focus on the BASICS of DEFENSE so I won't go into too much depth on advanced or offensive techniques, but suffice to say that the better you are at the game (through high stats, timer discipline, and competence with battle techniques), the more powerful travelling is in war for both offense and defense.

HOWEVER, if you're the kind of player who needed a tutorial on basic ranked war defense to begin with, you're more likely to fall victim to the dangers of travel as defense than you are to reap the benefits. If you're a noob or a bleeder, try to get the instructor types in your faction to give you some one on one attention with regards to war travel. The intermediate and advanced techniques rely on teamwork and coordination anyway, and you could use the practice (you disgusting noob/bleeder).

 

THE RISKS: The enemy team gets bonus points for hitting you overseas, and you're also at a huge disadvantage against an attacker trying to chain hit you the second you come out of the foreign hospital. Unlike in the hospital in Torn you can't use blood bags or med kits to get out of the hospital, so your opponent knows exactly when you'll be able to be hit again, and if he has his shit together, he just has to spam the start fight button when you're about to heal out and he'll almost always already be attacking you faster than you can do the two clicks to fly home.

 

THE BENEFITS: You can't be attacked while in transit between locations, and you have 15 seconds of immunity from attacks as soon as you land, allowing you to safely get back on the plane and fly away. Flight times to distant locations get as long as 3.5 hours, so if you can reliably set an alarm to notify you when you're about to land, you can fly back and forth between distant destinations indefinitely. Plenty of bounty hunters hit overseas too, and because they get the same countdown your ranked war opponents do if you're in a foreign hospital, they can collect your bounty the second you come out of hospital and potentially break a chain of you getting farmed. Additionally, when bounty hunters or other people outside the ranked war hit you, you can get early discharge from the hospital, jumping out at will no matter how long your hospital timer, negating the attacker's advantage and allowing you to fly away, save a chain, hit a weaker enemy target, or a combination of the above.

 

If you're slow, weak, stupid, incompetent or ugly, you should be careful about sitting overseas during war. Big players on the other team may use a business class ticket to fly out to get you, making the enemy's flight times unpredictable, and flying overseas and just sitting there is an incomplete defensive strategy. They may come for you eventually and you might not be handsome enough to get away.

 

(There are MANY scripts and websites that make ranked war MUCH easier to manage mechanically. If you're getting farmed by opponents with seemingly inhuman speed and omnipotence, their script game is almost certainly stronger than yours. There are so many options for improving your performance through scripts and external websites that they're outside the scope of this basic tutorial, but if you're not already using them, you should learn them sooner rather than later.)

 

----------------

 

That's it. End of tutorial. Get the hell out of my office.

Gambling on sumo wrestling, a solumn duty. · · 3 likes

What a dishonorable suggestion! Baka gaijin... No appreciation for the solemn and sacred art of sumo... The warbling cry of the gyoji as the muscular bodies of two powerful rikishi clash in a vigorous and fearless tachi-ai... The scrape of their graceful feet across the salt-scattered clay of the dohyo... The sweat flying from their topknots as they slap and shove and grapple each other with the primal virility of a noble warrior...

 

The...

*clears throat* 

... muscular flexing of their glutes cradled by their silk mawashi as these great elegant beasts stomp out the evil spirits with their grand shiko...

 

Yoisho!

 

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Gambling on sumo wrestling, a solumn duty. · · 8 likes

Did you know there is a 15 day grand sumo tournament taking place in tokyo Japan right now? Did you know that there is a similar Basho (or "sumo tournament" for you gaijin) every other month?

 

Can you imagine it? Poet-warriors crashing into one another and hurling their opponents' massive, powerful frames out of the ring... Dominating the dohyo with the implacable, stony-faced stoicism of modern samurai?

 

WE SHOULD BE GAMBLING ON THIS SHIT!

 

The torn city casino bookie is shamefully lacking in the noble art of sumo. I certainly hope someone will be fired over this blunder.

 

Seeking advice for gym training at 120k of a battlestat · · 2 likes

"I believe you can pay someone in an amusement park money and they can use a job special on you to increase your happy, that may be an option to get the rest of the way to a 99k"

 

That's the kind of thing I was looking for. Thanks

Seeking advice for gym training at 120k of a battlestat ·

My faction does not have the +24 hour booster cooldown so I'll probably just use the poisoned mistletoe method to get the 99k happy merit later on.

 

Would you suggest using the eggs right away, or eDVD jumping to 250k and then using all 3 eggs?

Seeking advice for gym training at 120k of a battlestat ·

Looking for a little gym training advice...

Right now I've got 120k of one stat and 3 yellow eggs (10k happy). I'd like to pump this stat as far and as fast as possible.

 

Should i do 3 or 4 eDVD jumps to get to 200k, then use all three eggs, 2 DVDs and a feathery hotel coupon for an 80k happiness jump and switch to natural energy training?

 

Or should I do all 3 eggs with DVDs and FHC first and natural energy after? Or maybe spread out the eggs into 3 separate jumps with 1 egg and 4 DVDs each?

 

ALSO, since 3 eggs and 2 DVDs gets me fairly close to a 99k happiness jump, is there some way to augment that jump to get 99k happiness merit, and is it worth it?

Custom JLT Spring Banners 2026 ·

This is neat.

 

DickMagnum L0

JLT SPRING 2026 [CONCLUDED] · · 1 like

(a lonesome saxophone plays in the distance as the hard-boiled noir stereotype prepares himself for the death race)

ACCIDENT PRONE - A Dick Magnum Emo Adventure · · 1 like

From the desk of Grace Lund:

 

This communique is intended for all friends, clients, debtors, stalkers, lost loves, and well-wishers of Dick Magnum, Private Eye.

 

Following the recent and well-documented disappearance of Dick Magnum (see articles in Torn City Times [7-4-26][9-4-26]), certain reports have hinted at a credible account of a sighting of the missing detective.

 

It is believed that for the last three days (ending on 15 April 2026), Dick Magnum has been holed up in the house where he grew up, which formerly belonged to his mother Gilda Magnum (now the private property of Mr and Mrs Cyrus Redblock).

 

After Detective Magnum vacated the property, evidence of his tenure was found in what had formerly been his childhood bedroom. The evidence in question included, but was not limited to: an obsolete personal computer logged into myspace.com/Angle-with-filthy-sole , a severely damaged Sony Walkman, as well as the following song lyrics scrawled on the wall of the bedroom in what is believed to be the excrement of the itinerant investigator himself:

 

What's the furthest place from here?

It hasn't been my day for a couple years

What's a couple more?

 

And if I go, don't forget the one good thing I almost did

I learned your name without words

I used my eyes, not my hands

 

What's the closest you can come to an almost total wreck

And still walk away, all limbs intact?

 

And when I go, you'll be there

Crying out, begging me

I won't hear

I'll just go fast into this night on broken legs

 

A near miss or a close call?

I keep a room at the hospital

I scratch my accidents into the wall

I couldn't wait to breathe your breath

I cut in line, I bled to death

I got to you, there was nothing left

 

What's the meanest you can be to the one you claim to love

And still smile to your new found friends?

 

In the same confusing breath

You pull away and draw me in

I wanted you, you wanted more

I built this life and now it's mine

 

A near miss or a close call?

I keep a room at the hospital

I scratch my accidents into the wall

I couldn't wait to breathe your breath

I cut in line, I bled to death

I got to you, there was nothing left

 

A near miss or a close call?

I keep a room at the hospital

I scratch my accidents into the wall

I couldn't wait to breathe your breath

I cut in line, I bled to death

I got to you, there was nothing left

I got to you, there was nothing left

I got to you, there was nothing left

 

 

-----------------------------------------------

 

Inquiries as to the continued whereabouts and mental state of Dick Magnum Private Eye may be addressed to the Dick Magnum Private Investigation Agency, where his diligent and faithful receptionist Grace Lund (who works tirelessly and without OFFICIAL compensation, thank you very much...) will collate all credible accounts. Further sightings of and cryptic hints about Dick Magnum may be addressed to same. Meagre monetary reward may be available.

 

Thank you for your kind wishes.

Yours noirly,

Grace Isla Lund - Receptionist, Dick Magnum Private Investigation Agency 

Dick Magnum's guide to level 15 (flying and becoming a man) · · 9 likes

(a lonesome saxophone plays in the distance)

 

Here's to you kid. You made it. Now that you're level 15 you get to start playing the real game.

So here's what's next.

 

FLYING

This is how you're likely going to be making the majority of your money for the foreseeable future. There's only a couple sources of better income available in the game, and you're almost certainly too weak, too stupid, and too ugly to take advantage of those.

 

FIRST STEP - rent a private island with an air strip, and hire a pilot

SECOND STEP - get a large suitcase 

 

Obviously you may need to do some flying to afford both of these, but you want to get these upgrades as soon as possible. All your funds should go toward these two goals. These steps are 100% non-negotiable. Your base amount of overseas items you can carry is only 5 items. The private island with airstrip and pilot bumps your capacity up to 15, which is the single largest increase available. Plus, until you have that airstrip you're paying for every flight which is cutting into your profit margin. A 7 day rental on a bare bones private island with an airstrip usually costs less than 4 million, and with the increased carrying capacity it will pay for itself in a day or two of smart flying. (DO NOT RENT THE CHEAPEST ISLANDS ON THE RENTAL LIST. An island with 2000 happy DOES NOT HAVE AN AIRSTRIP) (Don't forget to hire a pilot in your property upgrade menu before you fly out the first time)

 

The large suitcase increases your capacity by 4 more. Don't waste your money buying a small suitcase or medium suitcase. They don't stack. Ask your faction if they have large suitcases in the vault they can loan you when you're getting started. If they don't, scrape together 10 million and fly to Hawaii and buy one (they're cheaper in Hawaii than in the item market or bazaars). Hopefully you're in a faction with excursion bonus that brings your total carrying capacity to 28 or 29 items.

 

-

 

WHERE TO FLY AND WHAT TO BUY

 

You've been hearing a lot about Flowers and Plushies, but there's a third category that is newer and that most existing tutorials don't cover, and this third category is more profitable and considerably easier to sell than flowers or plushies, and that category is CONTRABAND.

 

CONTRABAND

Contraband are items for sale in almost every overseas location. They tend to have a slightly higher upfront cost than flowers or plushies, but they also sell for much more than the flowers or plushies available at the same location. And importantly, CONTRABAND CAN BE SOLD FOR FULL VALUE AT BITS AND BOBS. Flowers and Plushies need to be sold to other players through the item market (which takes a 5% fee off the top of your sale price and exposes you to the risk of buy-muggers) or to a trader (which introduces a delay in converting your purchases back to cash to go fly for more items), or a bazaar (which you don't have [because you're poor {and ugly}]).

Don't try to sell your contraband on the item market. The price other players will pay for it is lower than what you'll get at bits and bobs.

 

FLOWERS AND PLUSHIES 

Why buy them if contraband is better profit and easier to turn around? Mainly because flowers and plushies stock more frequently than contraband. Most locations are almost never out of all their flowers and plushies, but depending on the location, much contraband will frequently be out of stock.

 

There's a few more categories of items for sale overseas, they probably don't matter until later, but you should know what they are.

 

ARTIFACTS 

Artifacts are another category of items that can be sold to traders or item market, sometimes for a profit, but some artifacts have a market value below what they cost overseas, so some will actually sell back in torn for a loss. They're also much more expensive than flowers or plushies or most contraband. You probably can't afford the 15 million or so it will cost to bring back 29 Patagonian fossils from Argentina, but if you can, they can have a pretty good profit margin. Every location has arrowheads, but many of them sell for a loss in torn, so don't buy artifacts unless you're sure you can sell them for a profit.

 

DRUGS

Can have excellent profit margins (Xanax from Japan and Neumune from Switzerland), but they're very, very expensive and almost never in stock (don't be fooled by that Xanax in canada. It's in stock because it's so expensive there that you'll sell it for a loss in Torn)

 

GUNS

Don't buy them. You'll see the huge profit margins on some, but you won't be able to sell these for market price and you'll feel like an idiot (a poor, ugly one)

 

RANDOM USELESS JUNK

f**k it, buy that Japanese cat statue you weeb.

 

-

 

HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT TO BUY WHERE? 

 

Use a website or script that tells you what items are at which locations, how much they cost, how much they sell for, and if they're in stock. I recommend YATA, which is useful for lots of other things, and has an excellent overseas items tracker (and if you're too stupid and ugly to figure out how to connect websites like YATA to your torn account with API keys, YATA's overseas item tracker works just fine even without the API key)

 

https://yata.yt/bazaar/abroad/

https://yata.yt/bazaar/abroad/

https://yata.yt/bazaar/abroad/

https://yata.yt/bazaar/abroad/

 

Click the link and select an overseas location. Let's say China. It will open a list of all the items available for sale in China. It will tell you how much they cost, how many are available for sale, how much profit you'll get for reselling them are market value, and even how much profit/hour you get from them when factoring in flight time for different locations. Click on profit/hour and it will sort the list according to profit per hour (clicking it once sorts it in ascending value, so click profit/hour twice and it will put the most profitable items at the top). You'll see that the most profitable item in China is Pangolin Scales (or whatever it is now if this guide is old). Note that since contraband items like pangolin scales actually sell for more at bits and bobs than their market value, most or all contraband is actually MORE PROFITABLE than it appears on YATA. At most locations the contraband is the best profit margin, followed by the plushies, then the flowers (not counting the drugs or artifacts because they vary dramatically from location to location)

 

Before you get on the plane you want to look at the possible purchase items at your location, most locations will have three or four target items. Figure out which one is most expensive and bring just enough money to buy a full load of those. The most profitable of your targets might not be the most expensive of your targets, but you're not yet smart enough to predict which items will still be in stock when you get there, so be prepared to buy a full load of any of your target items. If they have the #1 most profitable, buy that and get outta there. If you have to settle for #3 buy it and get out of there.

 

DO NOT LINGER OVERSEAS

As a newly minted level 15 you are easy prey for muggers. They know you brought 4 million to try to buy those pangolin scales (or maybe even 19 million for Xanax in japan if you're greedy). You have 15 seconds of immunity from when you land. That's enough time to buy your shit and f**k off. If none of your target items are in stock, buy some cheap bullshit or go home empty handed. Waiting around for items to restock with a couple million in your pocket is asking for trouble. You can do it later when you're strong enough to defend yourself, but YOU WILL BE MUGGED if you wait around past your 15 seconds of safety as a fresh faced level 15 (who is ACTUALLY level 15 and not a legendary predator holding 80 levels and masquerading as a level 15).

 

When you get mugged overseas you can't use items to med out of the hospital, you'll have to wait the full 40 minutes or whatever, and the muggers can see your hospital timer. If you have enough money on you to buy a big load of contraband, you have enough money to chain mug until you're flat broke, and the muggers CAN and WILL mug you faster than you can buy your items and fly away. You've been warned.

 

-

 

This page from the wiki lists all the contraband and artifact items available overseas. Not all of them are worth buying. Contraband sells to bits and bobs. Artifacts, flowers and plushies sell to other players.

 

https://wiki.torn.com/wiki/Contraband

https://wiki.torn.com/wiki/Contraband

https://wiki.torn.com/wiki/Contraband

https://wiki.torn.com/wiki/Contraband

 

-

 

Flying efficiently with upgraded carrying capacity, you can be making up to 8 million a day or so (more if you've got money and luck to buy high dollar, high profit items like Xanax and Ambergris)

 

-

 

DON'T LOSE YOUR MONEY TO MUGGERS

 

As a newly minted level 15 player with low battlestats, you're an easy target for every thug in the city, so until you've got the strength to fight back, you need to never hold money in your wallet unless you're flying, in the hospital, or actively purchasing. Your two best options at this level are to hold your money in stocks, or in your Cayman Islands banking account. Both work, but both have pros and cons.

 

STOCKS

PRO - instant access to your money

CON - purchasing the stock ticker from the points building costs 50 points (about 1.5 million dollars)

 

Stocks also take a small fee when you cash them out (0.1%) but that fee is insignificant for the paltry sums you are dealing with and you shouldn't concern yourself with it til you're dealing with hundreds of millions or billions of dollars in stocks.

 

Technically you can also lose or gain small percentages of your money based on the shifting value of each stock, but again, the gain or loss is insignificant until you're rich as Croesus, so don't worry about which stock or their values.

 

CAYMAN ISLANDS ACCOUNT

PRO - No fee for withdrawal. Plus you actually get a small percentage of interest gained on money in this account 

CON - Flying to the Cayman Islands takes 25 minutes, so it's a 50 minute round trip EVERY TIME you wanna deposit or withdraw 

 

The interest on your Cayman Islands account is as insignificant as the fee on your stocks, so unless you're a phenomenally cheap bastard, stocks are a vastly superior way to keep your money safe. The only case where you might consider using the Cayman Islands account instead of stocks as your primary money storage is if you're still trying to afford to rent your first private island and don't wanna spend the million dollars on a stock ticker, in which case the Cayman Islands account COULD be an acceptable temporary solution.

 

-

 

End of tutorial. Get the hell out of my office.

RP - Broker of Secrets [Re-Opened] · · 1 like

Staff edit: Harassment

Free my boy LegendaryKing11 · · 2 likes

That's an awfully cogent analysis...

 

Are you sure you're in the right place?

Help on finishing Tutorial on temp/perm fedding random people · · 5 likes

I feel I would get more out of a tutorial on how to get fedded... Of course to establish credibility I'd expect the author of such a tutorial to get fedded for writing it.

 

I shall follow your career with great interest.

Public Statement from the DB Squad ·

Bomb the feds

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