grave pls

Sup guys

Got 100m to waste
Make me laugh and win $$

Brians stress level was at unsurpassed levels. His wife Maggie was in labor and Brian was sure it was time to head to the hospital. Breathing heavily, Brian grabbed the phone and called the doctor. MY WIFE, SHES READY, SHOULD WE COME? The doctor tried to relax the poor fellow, just try to relax, now tell me how much time elapses between the contractions? SHIRLEY! Brian screamed on the top of his lungs, HOW MUCH TIME IN BETWEEN THE CONTRACTIONS? TEN MINUTES? OK, TEN MINUTES IN BETWEEN! And is this her first child? Questioned the doctor. NO YOU STUPID NITWIT, THIS IS HER HUSBAND!

A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:

"Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about."

So he continued: "Driving along the highway, I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in refrigerator. She had only some worn sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold so I gave her a sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the color did not suit you. Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now. Then when she was about to leave the house she paused and asked, "Is there anything else your wife doesn't use any more?"

Some kids in Africa just read that joke and said to themselves "Wow. I have a computer!"

What are 2 most common social problems in the World?
- Unemployment and hunger
How can you solve both problems at once?
- Let the hungry ones eat unemployed ones :P

I've just been released from hospital after an operation to have a mole removed from my penis. The doctors said the operation went really well but the RSPCA want to prosecute me.

Just look in the mirror.

Where do you find a turtle with no arms and no legs??


Right where you left it!

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin

when i was in prison my roommate called me butt sex and hes name was big dong.

laugh laugh just laugh as loud as you can beacause when you laugh you produce more blood in your body !!:P :P

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher fainted.

Someone was asked to write a sign board for the traffic near the school.

he wrote"Drive carefully! Don't kill the students, wait for the teachers"

A married woman was disappointed in her husband's sexual performance for the past couple months. So, she called the family doctor and went in for some advice. After explaining her partner' lack of libido the doctor said he had just the thing to solve her frustrations. He produced a small vial with purple liquid in it.

"Just squirt a drop or two of this in a drink of his and be ready for the lust to come storming back" he told her. "Just be careful to NEVER give him more than two drops.

So, the woman went home that night and snuck a couple drops in his drink during dinner. That night she enjoyed the most passionate sex the married couple had in years. After a couple of nights with the same results the woman thought it might be even more exciting to give her husband more than just two drops. A month later the family doctor called to see how everyone was doing. The couples' son answered the phone.

"Hi Johnny, this is doctor Ryans. I'm just calling to do a check up on your family since I haven't heard from you all in while. How is everyone?"

The son replied "Well...mom's dead, sis ran away, the nanny's pregnant, my @*$ hurts and dad's in the back yard screaming 'here kitty kitty'"...

Don't know any great jokes so hope some images will work.

[image: s3.postimg.org]

[image: s3.postimg.org]

[image: s3.postimg.org]

so, a baby seal walks into a club...

An old man is met by his attorney and is told he is going to be audited. He rides to the IRS office with his attorney, when he gets there he starts talking with the IRS agent.

"I bet $2000 I can bite my own eye!" The IRS agent agrees to the bet, believing it to be an impossible task. The old man laughs, pulls out his glass eye and bites it. The IRS agent is dumbfounded.

The old man then bets $3000 that he can bite his other eye. The IRS agent knows there is no way possible to do this , so agrees once more. The old man cackles, pulls out his dentures and bites his eye.

Then the old man finally wagers "I bet $20,000 that I can stand on the far side of your desk, pee over the desk and get it into your waste basket, without missing a single drop." The IRS agent knows he won't be able to do this, so once more he agrees. The old man indeed misses, peeing all over the desk and on the paperwork.

The IRS agent jumps for joy, then notices the attorney over in the corner moaning. "Are you alright!" Asks the agent. "NO!! On the way over here, he bet me $400,000 that he could pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it."

theese are bit shouvinist, so sorry if anyone gets offended ;)

Young Ukrainian is about to marry a Russian girl. So the night before wedding his dad and grandad decided to give him some advice for future life.
- You know, you really need to show a girl her place, since she is Russian too and you know our current situation, you really need to be a man! - says the dad - So when after the wedding youll go to bedroom for "consumption" of marriage, grab her hair really hard, slap her two times and shove her on the bed, yell: "Ukraina is strong!!!"
-hmm ok, what next? - asks the youngster
-Then pull your pants down, take out your penis, wait till you get a hard on and show it to her yelling: "Ukraine is big!!!"
-ok, then what?
Just when the dad is going to give next advice grandpa interrupts:
- And then jerk off really hard and yell "Ukraine is self sufficent!!!"

----

Women is comming back home from feminists rally, you know, in battle morale and all. She rings the doorbell and when husband opens door she starts:
- You stupid mannish pig! All men are pigs, no more mans tyrany in this house! From now on, you will cook, clean and serve me all the time, now I am the head of this house and I do whatever I want! You got that?
Husband remain calm, looks straight into her eyes, and packs a punch on her head really hard. Wife fells on the floor like a rag doll and remains uncontious. So guy goes back living room and continue to watch tv.
After 2 minutes he hears someone banging on the door - its the neighbour
- hey Luke, I heard some noises and all, thought Im gonna check out if everything is ok - says the neighbour, he looks around and notice the body on the floor - OMG! Luke, why is Kate lying on the floor!?
The husband says:- Kate is the head of this house now, she lies wherever she wants to...

Why did the girl fall off the swing? Someone threw a fridge at her.