Girlfriend was raped. Need help dealing!

Hello all. A month ago, my girlfriend went out with her cousin for partying. She had a little too much drinks and ended up going home with a guy and waking up naked. She leaves his place and tells me a while later. She cried, is regretful and she was depressed it happened. She was suicidal until I talked her out of it. Of course, I have told her that it was okay and it wasn't her fault.

I do believe its not her fault, as the kind of alcohol she was having was quite strong. Though I partially blame her. Plus the guy was probably taking advantage of her inability to make decisions properly due to her state. I'm obviously hurt, rather torn apart. I'm angry that she got carried away while drinking, and ended up being so f**ked up that she had a one night stand with a stranger. I'm not okay with it, obviously.

She can't report it because she doesn't know the guy, let alone remember. It was weeks after it happened that she told me, and she basically can't remember shit, except waking up completely naked in a stranger's apartment. I hate it with my guts that it happened, but what can I do? A report with no evidence might be considered as false accusations. Plus she is afraid if the police go public with it, she will get slut-shamed, and her family will be torn by it.

Please, all. I'm so f**ked up because of it. I need a way to get over it. Don't suggest leaving her, because I can't. Not when it's just happened. She's a good girl, it's just that she messed up once. I can vouch for it because her cousin that went out with her is a f**ked up one as well (and serving time for fraud). I need advice.

Edit: Okay since there's some confusion with the time line, let me clear it out in chronological order.


> Cousin and the GF went out for a girls night out. Cousin is a f**ked up alcoholic party girl who has a history of conflicts with the law.
> Cousin buys many rounds of drinks. GF drinks because she felt it would be rude to not drink.
> GF thinks she remembers accepting a drink from a stranger (probably from the guy, possibly roofied)
> GF is so shitfaced that she kisses him for a short moment
> ??? (Sex, I'm sure. Or rape?)
> GF wakes up naked the next morning at 2am
> GF tells the guy she's leaving
> GF takes Uber back from the bar she was at (Guess that means the perp lived nearby)
> GF can't remember the place because she had a massive hangover and headache and panicked
> GF arrives home and finds cousin asleep in her bed
> - End of event -
> GF tells me a month later in tears. Didn't know how to tell me and is too afraid to file a police report.



The guy was not likely drunk. He likely knew what he was doing, because she might've been drugged to the point where she couldn't make proper judgement, but still conscious enough to walk. Sex with a woman when incapacitated or not able to make proper judgement IS rape. Sex while drunk, is cheating. I believe alcohol isn't a reason to cheat. But if she was drugged, she would've been helpless.

YES, I THINK SHE WAS STUPID AS HELL TO DRINK UNRESPONSIBLY, WITH A BLOODY ALCOHOLIC CRIMINAL. YES I'LL LEAVE HER STUPID ASS IF SHE WASN'T DRUGGED. NO, I WOULD STAY AND LOVE HER IF SHE WAS DRUGGED BY HIM, IT WAS NOT HER FAULT THAT A SEXUAL PREDATOR WAS AROUND. NO, I'M NOT HAPPY. I GET WHAT ALL OF YOU ARE SAYING, THOSE WHO ARE IN HER FAVOR AND THOSE WHO ARE NOT. I'M TRYING TO BE OPEN MINDED AS POSSIBLE WITH THIS. I DON'T WANT TO FORCE JUDGEMENT SO QUICKLY BECAUSE IF I LEAVE HER AND TURNS OUT SHE WAS DRUGGED, I'M A REAL a*****e. IF SHE DID ENGAGE WITH HIM WITHOUT THE INFLUENCE OF DRUGS, I WILL LEAVE HER SORRY ASS.

Those who are sending me messages to help me feel better, thank you. Those who are leaving abrasive comments, I understand your point of view. Once a cheater, always a cheater. I get that. Those who are just flaming, stop taking up bandwidth!

Edit

Why is a drunk man responsible for a drunk girls actions? Women should be held accountable for their liquor the same as men. Was she kidnapped, tied up, struggling? No. She willingly left, frolicking around the bed sheets having fun, and woke up in his bed free to leave. If she was going to be "raped" it would not have been so easy for her to leave. What she did is called a hook up. She feels bad she cheated on you, and saying some guy took advantage of her is easier than saying she enthusiastically used being drunk as an excuse to try the market out. That guy did not know she had a boyfriend, it is her job to be loyal to you, her job to make those decisions. Doesn't sound like she was roofed, because you said she drank strong liquor. She wasn't abducted against her will, because it was so easy to leave. Sounds to me more like she cheated and felt bad than legitimately got raped.

The truth is cold this time around. Such a terrible thing for her to go through though it was her that went home with the guy. She wasn't kidnapped was she? I feel sorry for the dude if you are going around calling him a rapist cause your girlfriend cant hold her drink.

Don't take this as offence. No offence meant at all.

Is chedburm going to help with this or anyone in torn coz I don't think so

If she will not go to the police then it was not rape. Sorry but if she refuses to go then she just had a hookup.

Getting to drunk to not want to say no is not rape(atleast in the U.S.). If the guy drugged her, forced himself on her, was uncousious etc then that is a different story and is rape.

It it is a sucky situation for you but ultimately if she won't go to the police and make a police report then you must take it as infidelity. Then that brings up your situation. If you will not leave her then you must accept she cheated on you and forgive her. Otherwise the relationship is already doomed.

If she does go to the police and she was truly raped. Then I suggest both of yall go see a psychiatrist or talk to somebody who is practiced on that. (She may need a psychologist regardless because she feels regret and embarrassed).

Anonymity can be great psychologically if people are willing to talk. There's a reason everyone thinks they are cool on the Internet.

Torn is not the place for this sort of thing. Ched runs a game her. Im sorry that the girl is feeling down though bringing her to a doctor would be the way to go. Asking for help on a online game forum is not going to help.
Ched is not a shrink or a doctor so I cant see why anyone would expect him to act like one.

An odd place for such a question... Comply, I think you're asking how to deal with this and what to do, not "is it really rape?" or "is it her fault?" Bottom line, she had a sexual encounter that she regrets having, forced or not.
There are a few things to do. One thing is, she should see her doctor and have tests run for sexually transmitted diseases. Even if she thinks the guy used a condom, a lot of things could have gone wrong. Tests are easy to get, and she should definitely do that.
You said this happened a month ago, so odds are she knows she's not pregnant by now. If she's not sure, she should add a pregnancy test when she sees her doctor.
As for reporting what happened, that's always a tough choice. She may not remember the guy, but she remembers his flat. On one hand, she didn't report immediately, has no evidence and cannot clearly remember what happened. On the other hand, if she could identify the guy, he may already have several other women pressing charges.
You don't mention her age. If she's underage then that brings in another set of issues.
I strongly suggest that you both go together to see someone who specializes in dealing with post-rape trauma. This can be done privately, no one else need know. Discussing this with a professional will help you decide how to deal with it, and the counselors usually offer the service for free or based on your ability to pay (so, $5). Google "rape crisis center" or "rape treatment center" for one in your area.
You will move past this, but it can be hard at first.

Moral of the story don't get too drunk so you don't know what you're doing.

To others replying, read his post carefully. Both he and the girl are young. They cannot turn to family or friends for fear of the consequences. If Comply's post is legit (every reason to believe so) then an online gaming forum may be the only place he feels he can bring this. When I was in high school, I certainly didn't know there were organizations that could help you and not tell your parents, or help you find a way to tell your parents yourself. I'd rather appear a fool by falling for a joke than dismiss this and find out he had a legitimate concern.

jesus christ is this tumblr?

do you think women are animals OP who aren't responsible for their actions and yet you think men who are in the same position are responsible for them and their own actions? what kind of sexist pig are you. If you want to perhaps treat women like they're actually humans then a suggestion would be to treat her in the same way you're treating the guy.

she cheated on you while drunk and feels shit about it, that's literally the summery of what happened and if it was a guy in the position then he'd be treated like a scumbag so here's a suggestion OP, treat her like you'd be treated in her shoes.

edit: OP let it also be known if this women wasn't forced to has sex with this guy, if he didn't spike her drink and so on and yet because of her mistake and not being able to "man up" over the mistake and wants to place blame on the guy who was in the same state as her. If you try to ruin his life and call him a rapist for doing literally nothing then not only are you ruining and damaging real rape victims but you're ruining an innocents person life because of her f**k up which i'm pretty sure you know my opinion on.

If she thinks she was raped she should go to the cops end of. They are not going to stone her to death. If she was raped then it clearly wasn't her fault. If she is afraid to tel anyone about it then I highly doubt she was. To be honest it seems to me like she cheated on him with another guy and he fell for her rape story. If someone rapped my girlfriend I wouldn't be sitting around asking people on a game forum what to do. He should go to the cops. Though she wont??? That says enough for me. She remembers going home with a guy, having sex, waking up in his house but she didnt remember who he was?


Its clear she knows who she had sex with. Did she also forget how she got home and cant remember where his house is? She seems to forget all the important shit tbh. Its all one big lie imo.

He needs to take a step back and look at his relationship.

1. you got cheated on and she played you imo
2. 4chans /b/ probo would have been the only worst place than here you could have posted that

So your girl friend went out, followed some drunk guy home and raped him?

See, she can't go to the cops because of insufficient evidence. I know it seems fishy as hell, which it does-- But why she can't go to cops makes some sense (To some degree):

- She doesn't know the guy or remember how he looks
- She was so shocked that she practically ran out of his room in the morning and hitched the first cab she saw back to her home
- She had a massive hangover that morning
- She was too scared to tell anyone until 3 weeks later (All DNA or physical evidence was gone)
- Technically there's no proof. I called the bar she went to and found out that they don't keep surveillance tapes
- If she reports rape, and there's no proof, she can be get arrested for false accusations and get into trouble
- If her family finds out, she'll be disowned for real. Her dad is a real strict one.

Well, she could've cheated and lied, or she could've been spiked and wasn't aware of it (she did mention vaguely recalling a drink that wasn't bought by her cousin). It's either she's carefully planned out the entire story, or she's legitimately confused about it. She cried her eyes out and wanted to commit suicide (history of self harm and depression). Guess it kind of fits together. Somewhat.

To the rest of you anti-supporters, well I get where you come from. I was there when I first got the news. I'm just trying to be open minded and see it from both sides.

Thank you for understanding, ccwy! We're both young. I'm in college and she's just started working her first full time job on her own. We're both not even 22 yet.

She clearly cheated on you. She definitely wasn't raped. She willingly ( even under the influence of drink) had sex with that man. She felt bad about it and told you. She can hardly tell the cops an anonymous man had sex with her and she was consenting to it. And why is it suddenly the man who did something wrong? All he did was have a good time with an unloyal woman he didn't even know had a boyfriend:p Best to move on.

you're older than me and I can add 1+1 to get 2, you should try it.

At this point I don't know who's more delusional, you or her?

Was she forced to have sex?
was she taken by force?
was she drugged?
did the guy force her to get drunk?
was he not drunk?

from what I've understood from the story he was drunk and so was she. You're fighting and hoping that she was raped because if that's not the case then you have no one to blame but her and thus ending your "relationship"

you mention that she ran out his room, at that point she knows what's happening and so she knows what house she ran away from and so that's all you'd need to get police involved.