Duke's Valentine's Day Charity Drive

send pics so i can judge this " nice ass "

So what happens when BB or Sif decide to take out a 10b loan to buy 20 s.e.'s? [:laughing:]

I met this girl on Torn City. We spoke for year. The only thing was that she lived halfway across the world. So finally we decided we needed to meet and I purchased a ticket to fly to Dallas and meet her at the airport. Well it was a long flight but all I could think about was being in her loving arms the entire trip. Finally we touched down and I ran off the plane like a fat kid hungry for a candy bar! I was going to be meeting the love of my life for the first time! It was Valentines Day and I was in a new city ready to start a new life. So I grabbed my baggage and sat at the designated curb that my love told me to wait at. 1 hour passed ..... nothing ..... 2 hours ....... nothing ...... 12 hours ........ NOTHING! I called and called and straight to voicemail. How could someone I met on the internet leave me alone in Dallas? Why would they??? Anyhow I waited 5 days alone in Dallas and NEVER heard from them! Yup ........ Happy Valentines to me! Lesson here ....... don't have fake internet relationships because in the end you will BE left in the Dallas airport all alone eating fried chicken!

Jesus there's some silly people on this thread...If you sent money you're a moron and you deserve to lose it. Here send me 100mill whilst you're at it and I'll give you 500mill back tomorrow.

Such a sad story. R+, keep your head up after that knockdown bro - plenty more internet fish in the sea.

Is that how Debbie made it to Dallas?

Best V Day ever !!

I had this ex who was was a real *******. And when I say *******, I mean he was literally an *******. Talk about speaking out of one's ass. I thought it was only a metaphore but both his front end and back end smelt alike, no wonder no other girl was chasing after him. I should have seen the hints but I digress. Anyways, I ain't no weirdo or anything but I was madly in love with him and when I say madly in love I meant my heart skipped a beat and I had visions of future sugarplum fairies dancing in my head and everything. He made my voice sound like I was always French kissing a helium balloon and I swear, gravity was only a myth around him. It sounds corny but it's true. I was never a girly-girl and I used to laugh at all those horrible teen dramas but when it happened to me, I swear not even me recognized myself. This guy had me singing and smiling all damn day like I had some bad Botox episode. To paint you a picture, imagine if grumpy cat smiled or if Rooney decided that instead of chasing Ferris he'd join him and they'd both take the day off. I know it seems like I'm ranting but that's how deleriously happy Mr. Assman made me.

I felt like I was on Cloud 9 but I was always bad at Math. If I were any good at it, I'd realise I was more in Pit -9 and sinking even lower. So what did Assface do you may ask? Well it wasn't just one thing, that's for sure. I really should have seen it coming and I've only just stop kicking myself for being stupid but really the ignorance of youth was no excuse. Then again, everything was was fine in the beginning. I was only 14 and my mother told me I couldn't have a boyfriend so the it sure as hell was exhilarating to keep one behind her back. To be honest, I got a thrill out of being a church girl in public and a uhmm... teenager in private. Anywhose, like I said it wasn't just one thing Sphincterlips did to abuse my heart but I think I've already been writing long enough and I haven't gotten to the point yet so I'll only tell you about four out of the many incidents.

The first incident happened in the beginning of our relationship when it was still "puppy-love." The Turdmullet and I had our first fight, what about? Some heifer. Okay, so I sorta lied when I said no other girl took interest in Ole E.coli Breath...indeed, I was the only one at the time but he had an ex, who he was apparently still in contact with. So I suspected he still "loved" her and maybe I was a ...witch...for bringing her up but Mr. Polypgrin couldn't even look me in the eye whenever her name was brought up so we fought and fought until he got angry and he threatened to leave me if I didn't shut up. So shut up I did, like one of those poor muzzled dogs with a cone around its head so he won't lick his own ass. Who told me to shut up? Why didn't I let him leave just then and there? From that day on, that's essentially how he ended any conversation-slash-argument he didn't want to engage in. Mistake one, I gave him a leash and he kept it short.

Okay, so on occasion, Assy the Fleshy Gloryhole would allow me to run around the yard but he put up fences. He started telling me who I could talk to and when and what I could talk about. Like he didn't like it when I'd choose to talk to my friends over him at lunch and he hated it even more when I talked to my ex despite the fact that he talked to his ex whenever he liked. So somewhere along the line I decided I'd stop acting like a kicked puppy and get my own. Two could play that game, I thought, so I did whatever I wanted and talked to my ex. Well Diarrhea Drool didn't like that to say the least. It enfuriated him to the point of violence where he punched my ex squarely in the face. He got a week's suspension from school and came back riding a tidal wave of anger. At that point any sane person, dumb teenager or not would end this toxic relationship but I was 31 flavours of special and 50 shades darker than desperate so sanity was but an illusion to me. From that day on I never talked to my ex but I continued talked to my friends as I liked. We were all females and believe it or not even Bowel Brains had standards so he would never hit one of us but celebrating that fact is like celebrating the fact that the Titanic only hit one iceberg. Mistake two, I kept lighting matches around a gas tank.

The third incident was probably one of the worst. It's definitely on the top five worst things that happened in our relationship. It was near the end of The first school term when everything starting coming to head and we broke up. I mean, the fire was obviously stirring so it had to at some point. The break up was surprisingly calm but then again, colons do occasionally become constipated. It wasn't the break up that made it bad but rather what followed. Sometime during our relationship Fartbrains and I had become friends with a classmate who was actually the boyfriend of Turdtongue's ex. (I can't emphasize enough how crappy I feel for my stupidity as I write this. I swear my IQ was higher than that of a dirty mop.) For the sake of clarity let's call this new guy Bubble-eye Biscuit because his eyes were so big I swear there was no room for his brain and biscuit because boy was he dry and ashy; walking around looking like a tropical snowman. So Bubble-eye and I remained friends after my break up because really I had no issue with him. On the surface he seemed down to earth and funny. I really liked talking to him and I really thought we were friends so when he asked me about my true feelings towards the Interactive Colon I didn't hesitate to express my loneliness. I really did miss the Flatulant Wonder but there was a part of me that was starting to reconcile with the he fact that it was over. Little did I know that Bubble-eye was recording my conversation and handing them over to Mr. Projectile Stool. Mistake three, admitting my feelings to anyone not me.

So Christmas break ended and it was back to school. I've heard people say that you can't polish a turd but Mythbusters didn't have to disprove that to me. The first week of school The Anal Faucet came waltzing up to me like he had some delicious secret I just had to know. Shining brighter than a red gyarados he revealed to me the contents of the conversations Bubble-eye and I had over the Christmas. I admit I was pretty peeved at first at what Bubble-eye had done but it led to Colon Gullet and I getting back together and I and was genuinely happy so all was forgiven. The planets were once again realigned and all was right in the world with me. Or so I thought. Naturally, this new relationship came with stipulations. Buttcrack nose couldn't stand that I would talk to my friends about our relationship which led to them judging so first rule was I couldn't tell them we were back together and since I wasn't suppose to have a boyfriend all along I couldn't tell my mother, meaning I couldn't tell anyone anything. My relationship was completely a secret. The second stipulation was that we couldn't interact in public, to which I was more than happy to agree to since I didn't want to hear any more judgement from anyone anyways.

I should have known better. I should have known better! I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER!!! SERIOUSLY! WHAT THE HELL WAS WRONG WITH ME?!

So on we went with our secret relationship for weeks until the week before Valentine's Day. Sure, we had already agreed that we would keep our relationship secret but it would be my first Valentine's Day with someone so I wanted to know how the day would go for us. I wasn't expecting anything and when it comes to gift giving, I'm a lot like Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory. I see the custom more as a burden than something to celebrate and I'm more than happy to ignore it so that's what Ass-sweat Beard and I decided to do. No gift-giving was the best gift of all. Then Valentine's Day came and I was dealt the greatest slap in the face in the history of mankind. A slap so hard it was heard around the world. A slap so hard that my head flew off my body and spun into orbit where it stayed for years, leaving me to be a senseless drone, wandering the earth aimlessly, ruing in misery for years to come. What did The Human Assprint do? He gifted his ex, right in front of me! He kissed her right in front of me! Apparently they had been secretly dating all along! My first suspicions were right! He still had feelings for her and was using me to make her jealous and it worked! It turns out I was the clown all along. And to add insult to injury. To further beat my crippled and bruised soul. To burn and spit on the already dead and beaten horse, what did Mr. Rectum Display do? He gifted my friends and completely ignored me as if I were a ghost. Right then and there, if it wasn't for my then faith in God, I'd have drank all the pills in my house. I cried for days afterwards. For the first two days after, I couldn't control myself. I broke into tears at random times. I even ended up walking out of class so I could cry. My teachers asked what was wrong and I couldn't even say a thing, I was so hurt. I was a hot mess and everyone knew it. It was so plain to see and all he did was smile. That's some Joker type manipulation already. The biggest mistake of all was I gave my heart to the wrong person.

It took years for me to heal, honestly. I tried seeing other guys but I couldn't appreciate them because I was so hurt and to my shame, I hurt some of them because I was so engulfed in my own pain. For a long time afterwards, I felt so low and I was so mistrusting of others but being on the other end of sadness, I can honestly now say I won't change it. Because of Asscrack, I now know what I don't want. I know that I will never allow that to ever happen to me again and I try to talk to kids when I see them going down the same path. As a child, I thought that sort of thing only happened to adults. Adults had complicated relationships and teenagers just kiss all over the place but I was wrong. Everyone, at any age has a complicated self and it's easy to lose it or become damaged if you come into contact with the wrong person. It's easy to be the wrong person too but if you ever end off on the other side, be a better person, speak up and walk away. There are 7billion people this planet and no one is worth losing your worth and your confidence over.

-------------

I get this this is long but I'm a long winded person and I felt like every word was necessary. So if you made it to the end, I hope you enjoyed it.

Least you had fried chicken to keep you company. Happy Valentines Day Doogle

It might be your computer... Both mine and Nini's Posts are paragraphed for me. (I know mine sometimes doesn't show paragraphed, but I do. If you are talking about others. Well.. if they are not following normal grammar rules, then they might need paragraphs. If all the other rules are being followed, then it might just be a formatting issue.)

Duke, I believe you're familiar with my other half in real life, PhillBBB? He arranged a night out for me last night. I got home from work, I was expecting a cuppa, but he said 'we gotta go, you ready? Everything's in the car'. I have no idea what I was expecting, but a trip to the vets to get the cats claws clipped really wasn't on the list!

Might be. Mobile browser smh! I logged in on my laptop earlier and posts were easier to read.

When did this thread turn from duke scamming mooks to everybody posting their life story nobody cares about

[image: cdnjs.cloudflare.com]

Lol this is why I unsubbed to the game I was already down in my luck with cash and duke scams us

As I am an old man, eating lots of fiber every morning is very important for me to stay regular. I`m sure you understand where I`m coming from Duke as you're an old prick too. Some people even say you walk kinda funny sometimes.

Anyway, one Valentines day I decided to leave my mom's basement and out of excitement I ate too much oatmeal. This caused me to end up crapping in my man-diaper during a Valentines date. My date was very nice and polite, pretending not to notice the horrendous odor emanating from to my diaper deposit.

I think she realized what had happened (her permanent scrunched up nose kinda gave it away) and I remember her mumbling about me wearing odd smelling cologne. Needless to say I didn't get lucky that night. Oh and she also changed her number.

I still overdo it with the oatmeal sometimes but now I carry a spare diaper in my man satchel just in case. Gotta think ahead bro. [:wink:]

[image: www.quakeroats.com]

No offense Duke but this is starting to look like a scam

I hope it is a scam, most people won't be able to pay the weekly interest rate causing the debt to be too much and people quitting

Best post. Anywhere. Ever