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Bread Knife
The Bread Knife is a low-damage-high-accuracy melee weapon containing a variable "laceration" damage-over-time bonus that procs between ~36-45% of the time based on the Breadknife's Laceration bonus %. The laceration debuff lasts 5 minutes and cannot be healed after the attack is over, making it possible for a player making contact with a Bread Knife to effectively do damage outside of the lacerated-attack should the opponent be involved in another attack within that 5 minute timeframe. The laceration damage is 90% of the initial damage on the 2nd turn, 80% of the initial damage on the 3rd turn, 70% of the initial damage on the 4th turn, etc. The laceration damage cannot take the lacerated player below 1 life nor does the lacreration debuff stack, it simply resets the timer and damage if a new laceration is applied that would result in higher damage. The bread knife, like all other melee weapons, has the innate benefit of not having to reload but suffers from the inability to equip powerful weapon attachments and special ammo to significantly improve the potential damage output and accuracy. The stealth rating on the breadknife is excellent, but typically requires multiple turns to capture it's full effectiveness, which leads to a lower chance of stealthing. If you have relatively high Strength and you're brave enough to put 55 merits into
Dual Bushmasters, Dual MP5s, Dual P90s, Dual TMPs, Dual Uzis
The Dual Submachine guns (Dual SMGs) are all high-damage-low-accuracy primary weapons containing a "Spray" bonus that procs ~22% of the time on a full magazine. The Spray bonus doubles the total damage output upon activating, making it possible to do massive damage immediately after a full magazine is loaded. This Spray bonus is often used in combination with hollow point or incindiary ammo on either helmetless-low-defense targets or the lootable-NPCs to score a massive double-damage critical hit. The Dual SMGs have the ability to accept two of the same type of attachment for half the attachment bonus. (ie. two lasers = maximum of 5.5% total critical hit chance). There is no "best" type of Dual SMG, each has it's strength/weaknesses in terms of damage, accuracy, and ammo management as outlined in the chart above. (More damage = less accuracy and/or ammo management) The Dual SMGs tend to not be used in war very often due to being very ammo-hungry, having to reload often, and having relatively low accuracy. These weapons have the potential to be very powerful one-hit-kill weapons if in the hands of a player who has very high Strength and Speed. The Dual Uzis with hollow point rounds, in particular, are often desired for their potential to maximize the shooter's "best damage made" personal statistic. These items are no longer being added to the game. There are 10 of each type of Dual SMG in the game; several of which are on inactive player accounts or tied-up with The Hamster NPC.
Egg Propelled Launcher, Neutrilux 2000
The only thing these weapons are good for is shooting a lot of rounds in a very time/money-efficient manner. With the extra clips weapon attachment against a target with enough defensive stats, you should be able to put out between 4,000 - 5,000 rounds in a single 25-turn attack. Not having the Mathematics educations completed actually helps this endeavour. These items are no longer being added to the game and are typically only rented out by relatively wealthy players.
Handbag
The Handbag is arguably the best melee weapon. The Handbag features great damage, accuracy, and stealth and gives the holder the ability to bring two of the same temporary items into a single fight via the inherent "Storage" weapon bonus. The Storage bonus has a fairly nasty drawback of requiring an additional turn to "reload" the second temporary item should the Handbag holder decide to use it. The Handbag, like all other melee weapons, has the innate benefit of not having to reload but suffers from the inability to equip powerful weapon attachments and special ammo to significantly improve the potential damage output and accuracy. Being able to throw two high-accuracy-high-damage grenades, two molotov cocktails, or use two temporary injectable boosters in the same attack has interesting strategic benefits; especially when defending territory walls. (Allows the defender to apply two smoke grenades over 3 turns for example) Players who utilize Handbags often invest 55 merits into both Clubbing mastery and Temporary Weapon mastery to maximize the total damage/accuracy in battle. The Handbag also shines when it comes to leveling-up temporary weapon experience in an efficient manner offensively. This weapon retails in the UAE for $16,000,000,000.
Gold Plated AK-47
The Gold Plated AK-47 (GAK) is going to objectively be the best weapon in the game for the vast majority of players. The Gold Plated AK-47 has solid damage, tremendous accuracy, every weapon attachment available to equip to it except the shotgun chokes, great ammo management, and an amazing Demoralize bonus that has between a 20% - 24% chance to debuff all four opponents' battlestats by -10% for 5 minutes upon making a positive-damage hit. (Very powerful when defending against multiple attackers) The only place the Gold Plated AK-47 doesn't shine (no pun intended) is with it's relatively low stealth rating. The Gold Plated AK-47 at 100% weapon experience, loaded with special incindiary ammunition with a laser + any other high tier attachment equipped, with 55 merits invested in rifle mastery is a player no one wants to go up against... especially if the player holding the GAK is wearing a welding mask and has Epinephrine running through their veins. This weapon retails in the UAE for $25,000,000,000.
Nock Gun
The Nock Gun is a very high damage primary weapon with relatively low accuracy that has a self-damaging bonus associated with it. The Nock Gun can utilize a choke mod and special ammo for extra damage to try to score a devastating one-hit kill. This can be a great way to do a lot of damage before finishing the target off with a melee weapon without having to use a lot of special ammo. There are two main drawbacks to utilizing the Nock Gun; the first drawback is the "bonus" that has about a ~20% chance to do a significant amount of damage to the Nock Gun's shooter, the second drawback is that the weapon must be reloaded after every use. (Technically, you can get more than 1 shot per reload with the right ammo-management weapon attachments.) This weapon can be very useful in finishing fights in a very short timeframe if the shooter has relatively high speed and accuracy and is willing to invest 55 merits into Shotgun Mastery while utilizing high-accuracy-high-damage-grenades in conjunction with the first "volley" from the Nock Gun. This weapon is dropped by the Leslie NPC.
Pink Mac-10
The Pink Mac-10 is a fairly underwhelming weapon with no real strategic purpose outside of being able to gain, or recover, large amounts of happiness via the Emasculate bonus. This is useful for negative networth players who don't have access to rehab to bring up their happiness level and for getting the 99,999-happiness Ecstatic merit. (See Andyman's Pink Mac-10 Analysis for more detail) The Pink Mac-10 has great damage and a low reload burden associated with it, but has underwhelming accuracy, uses a relatively large amount of ammo, and has fewer weapon attachments available to it compared to Rifle type weapons such as the Armalite and Gold Plated AK-47. This weapon retails in the UAE for $23,000,000,000.
Rheinmetall MG 3
The Rheinmetall MG 3 is a Machine Gun with relatively low accuracy, low stealth, and what at first appears to be relatively moderate damage output; however, due to this weapon's "Blindfire" special, a player who hits their target has between a ~15-17% chance each turn to apply several consecutive hits to their opponent for a very large amount of damage. The Blindfire special simply uses the rest of the ammo left in the magazine (technically a "belt" in real life, haha) to determine the amount of hits during that Blindfire turn. This makes the Mathematics education, Extended Mags weapon attachment, and Recoil Pad weapon attachment very valuable in this weapon. I've been able to get off 12 hits on a single turn with Extended Mags + Recoil Pad + Math Edus done and have noticed the weapon is super-useful for adding to my "number of critical hits" stat. The effectiveness of the MG 3 relies largely on the user's speed vs. their opponent's dexterity; especially since each consecutive Blindfire hit temporary lowers the accuracy of the weapon by 5.00 during that turn. (The 2nd Blindfire hit has a much higher chance to hit than the 10th shot, for example) All that said, the user of this weapon should have a willingness to accept a lot of variability in battle due to the permutative nature of the Blindfire special... as the random number generator can be incredibly frustrating when the Blindfire bonus procs with only 19 bullets left in the magazine for 2 hits instead of with a full magazine for +10 hits. The MG 3 is the uncontested king when it comes to taking down high life NPC targets, no other weapon comes remotely close to having the same damage output potential over a 25-turn attack. The secondary drawback to this weapon outside of it's low-accuracy is the large amount of ammo used considering it rarely makes sense to use +100 special ammo in a single fight. Additionally, I have yet to be able to proc a gas station cauterize heal from the Blindfire special over nearly 100 attacks, let alone multiple heals... which gives me fairly high confidence that the gas station heals cannot happen in the same turn Blindfire procs. If Chedburn allows for multiple heals per Blindfire hit, this weapon would gain a significant amount of strategic value in battle. Users of this weapon should be prepared to invest 55 merits into Machine Gun mastery. This weapon is dropped by the NPC Duke.
Snow Cannon
The Snow Cannon is a relatively low-damage-very-low-accuracy Machine Gun that has a powerful "Freeze" bonus. The Freeze bonus proc rate is between 20-23% and lowers the opponent's speed and dexterity by a staggering 50%. The Freeze debuff does not stack with other Freeze debuffs, the debuff timer just resets upon being applied a second time; however, the Freeze bonus can be combined with other debuffs such as the debuffs from Smoke Grenades, Tear Gas, Concussion Grenades, and Demoralize. This gives the Snow Cannon an interesting strategic purpose in group attacks against opponent's with high speed/dexterity. (Note that the Snow Cannon's accuracy is horrendous, so it's very unlikely you'll be able to proc a Freeze bonus on an opponent with significantly more dexterity than your speed) Furthermore, this weapon has a very limited selection of weapon attachments available to it and shoots snowballs which are not available in "special" variety to my understanding. (If someone with a Snow Cannon can verify this, I'd love to know, as the tracer snowballs would be strategically valuable!) Note that the accuracy boost from having 55 merits invested into Machine Gun mastery will ultimately increase your chance of applying the Freeze bonus since Freeze only procs on hits, not misses. This weapon is dropped by the NPC Scrooge.
If anyone has questions, strategy insights, or clarification notes that they feel would be helpful, please let me know and I'll get them added!
Thanks for reading,
Andyman
Mentions: Analysis of the Pink MAC-10