Make me laugh

The man had a carrot in one ear a zucchini and two peas up his nose .

He goes to the doctors and tells the doctor I have not been feeling well lately.

The Doctor looks at him and says I do not think you are eating right!

I got an old one:

A daughter asks her dad if she can have a sleepover with her girlfriends and he agrees. Later on, he over hears their game of truth or dare to which the daughter's friend asks her when the last time she had an orgasm was. The daughter replied, "Oh, about 3 days ago." and her dad bursts into the room yelling, "I KNEW YOU WERE FAKING LAST NIGHT!"

why is a rubber called a rubber?

Because it used to be made out of rubber and the new slang for it is a condom

My dermatologist was fired today.

I’m told he made too many rash decisions.

How does a non binary samurai slay their enemies

They/them

Thousands of crates of moisturiser were reported stolen today

Police looking for a smooth criminal

Yesterday, I saw my apartment neighbour trying to kick in his own door

I knew he was a criminal, and had served some time for theft and B&E but I wasn't aware that he was crazy. So I cautiously asked him what he was doing.

He replied, "Working from home."

Beautiful lady from New York asks her husband to go to the beach, she wants to swim in the water.

Husband say "No honey, there's already too much plastic in the ocean"

What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair.

Load image: angel

Did you hear the one about the germ?

























Never mind; I don’t want to spread it around. :p

I tried to learn how to play the musical saw recently but I couldn't figure out how to tune it. No matter what I tried it was always sharp!

i am loved in torn

What does the italian police do with a criminal pig?

prosecutto

My mother used to say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Lovely woman. Useless surgeon.

What do you call a cow jacking off beef stroganoff

your face

My father always used to tell me that the easiest way to a man's heart would through his stomach ... and up.

If you think the way is through his stomach, you're aiming a little hit.

What room is the best room to feel pleasure?

The Master Bedroom