Hello everyone, no cause for alarm, it is only Finch.
I am keeping the Finchyness to a min if not any at all.
I had some good sleep and I feel a bit more myself today so hopefully this is a better time for me to reflect constructively without dissolution.
Some of you know me as a bit of a character that likes to put on a show. Finch is a persona and nothing more. No matter how much it reflects my real personality and behavior I think it is still necessary to separate the two.
Few people have been upset with me in the past for faking mental illness. Though I do sometimes over exaggerate the state of my mind I do suffer from mental health issues.
I don’t talk in third person in real life only when addressing myself by title, and yes Finch is an actual titled nickname. I have been known as ******* ********* The Finch for approximately.. 8-9 years.
I have been known to be a bit of a character for sure but I always found myself as a kind influence. I have adopted a sort of unique approach to social issues.
I try to be non abrasive and kill with kindness sort of thing. But a recent review of my logs and actions over the last 3 months even baffles me.
I know I talk to a lot of people and partake in casual trolling now and then. But recently there have been some signs I guess that maybe my perception and my reality were much different.
I believe it was last night I began to browse through past chats and mails I have had. I reflected on my interactions of memory and really analysed my motive and emotions.
Most recently I find myself reaching out to old friends in a panic, desperately trying to reshape my image in their mind. But when I think about the underlying goal or outcome that I desire I can’t think of anything.
I understood my problem was not with my position in people's lives. But my position in reality. I can't change reality or the past and now present action or future plan can repair that and return my reality to normal.
When I started digging I was shocked by the absolute sheer volume of interaction I have had. I tracked my DM’s back to about 6 months ago and can see a huge shift in volume about 3 months ago.
The alarming part is I don’t recall the vast majority of these interactions.
I believed that the last few months have been some of my least dramatic and tame periods only to find out it one of my worst.
I have recently lost a lot of friends, ripped friends apart, and caused a lot of damage and stress.
I kept fooling myself into believing that all of it was misplaced and misunderstood. I certainly could not be guilty of so much hurt and pain.
But if everyone around you is trying to stay as far away from me as possible and ignoring me. There has to be a bigger problem beyond misinterpretation or misunderstanding.
This is just one example of something I don't even recall or even know what happened. I don't seem to have any past chat or interactions with this player. But one fear people close to me have is how my actions will reflect and effect. The fact that I don't even remember what this is or what it was about is alarming to me. Like I said I thought I was being tame and good, but this is..
At first I thought some people didn't care about me, that I was being attacked.
But the truth is these people do care about me and that's why they won't speak to me. I have hurt them and scared them and they rather not get involved in my complicated world when things can be simple.
Going through the content of my chat history, and the staggering volume of which I don't remember is a telling sign that maybe I’m not what I think I am.
There are thousands of these! most of them I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT I AM SAYING!
People think I should quit and take a break cause I let things get to me. But I don’t think my actions and my attitude is because of things getting to me.
My memory in my personal life seems to be getting challenging. I fear total cognitive corruption is the real culprit.
Maybe genetic, maybe because of intake factors like diet, drugs, past abuse.
About a year ago, maybe more. Its hard to track, I have figured it out a few times. I know it happened in the summer, on my birthday. Cause the most recent one was easter I think, or maybe it was the other way around.
Either way I don’t even remember what triggered it. But I was detained and held under the mental health act. I had a really bad mental breakdown and had to take some time away.
Ever since then my ability to form new memories has been seriously compromised. Visual snow has become a constant present since then.
I have never really felt normal since then.
Then yeah I believe it was around Easter when I was arrested again for a similar incident. That time I was put away for a longer period of time.
I have professional help and still see help. I am doing everything I can to stabilise myself. But maybe the damage cant be reversed, maybe its continuing.
Little afraid of losing my marbles and turning into one of those street people who talk to walls.
It is one thing to meet those people and wonder how they got there. It is a whole other thing to watch someone or personally watch yourself regress into it.
Even in my personal life I have been having more and more conversations with people about my behavior and actions. I seem to be lashing out at a lot of people when I have been so docile for years.
When I was young I was a bit troubled and violent. I was the kind of kid who set things on fire and growled at people. Little edgy shit with too much to prove and not too many friends. I became a different person and thought I lost the rage.
Turns out I never stopped being that cringy little shit. Or something.
I don’t know, I have hurt a lot of people and now it sounds like I am just trying to make more excuses for my behavior.
There has to be an excuse or a reason. I don’t think anyone can be a piece of shit for no reason.
In my twisted little mind I thought I was a good, nice person. Once you get to know me and we are close I become annoying and hard to deal with.
Over the last week I have pretty much destroyed myself. Then I went ahead and joined a large faction. I have dedicated myself to not causing anymore problems as I know my benefactors will hold me responsible, and I hope they do if I act out.
I don’t want to hurt people. So if I continue to do this doctor jackal and mr hyde shit I think the best thing for me and the community is to have me forced out like some have tried before.
The doxing thing was a bit much, I think that made me snap a bit. I guess as I write this now I realise this might be the big correlation to my behavior over the last 3 months.
That was right around the time the doxing thing started. But even now I am almost certain that the doxing happened only 2 months ago.
So the doxing might actually be explained more by my behavior then vice versa.
Either way I brought this down on myself and my friends and they never deserved that.
If Finch stops logging in one day it was nice knowing you.
But I think I am habitually obsessed with this game.
It is a ritual everyday to log on.
Finch is always a Friend,
Finch is always a Fiend.
I'm not trying to make excuses for my behavior. I don't know really what I want or what the point of this is. Maybe a 6 day long pity party. I am just sorry, and going to continue to be sorry. I am going to really try and control myself and such. But I will probably just forget anyway and repeat the same mistake.
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