Kombuiskaas: forum

Thank you all for the offers, I'm officially employed 

To the fine proprietors of Me & The Boys Pub & Grill,

Hark! I, Sir Kombuiskaas, veteran of the East African Gin Expedition and first man to circumnavigate the back alley of Camden on a penny farthing whilst intoxicated, do hereby submit my formal interest in joining your most illustrious establishment.

Though my hands are calloused from sabering champagne bottles and my liver resembles a well-worn cricket ball, I dare say there is still fire in this old dog yet! I’ve served grog to pirates, dodged coconuts in Zanzibar, and once bartended a royal wedding I was not invited to.

What I lack in modern qualifications, I more than compensate for in roguish charm, questionable anecdotes, and a moustache of repute.

Let it be known: should you accept my application, I shall stand behind that bar like Horatio at Trafalgar — stalwart, slightly inebriated, and utterly committed to the cause.

Your humble servant (and future legendary barkeep),
Sir Kombuiskaas, O.B.E. (Order of Boozy Endeavour)
“I was there when it was just a dream and a half-empty bottle!” 🍻

My fellow citizens of Torn City,

Thank you. Tremendous crowd. Absolutely tremendous. I look out and I see grinders, traders, fighters, real winners — the best players, frankly, the best city in the entire game.

Today, I officially announce:
I am running for Mayor of Torn City.

And our slogan says it all:
MAKE TORN GREAT AGAIN.

Because let’s be honest — Torn used to be great. It really did. Back when money meant something, crimes paid properly, and you didn’t wake up in hospital every five minutes. Sad!

When I’m Mayor, things change. Big league.

Now, I’ll be very honest — very transparent, the most transparent campaign Torn has ever seen.

We’ve had some very unfortunate losses in campaign funding.
Some key contributors are gone.

Charlie Kirk — tremendous guy, very vocal, we are all Charlie Kirk — no longer contributing. Sad.
And Jeffrey Epstein, the New York financier — very wealthy, knew everybody — also no longer available to donate. Total disaster.

So now, the campaign turns to YOU, the people of Torn.

I’m asking for small donations — very small — whatever you can spare:

• A few million
• A few hundred million
• A billion, if you’re feeling patriotic

Every dollar goes directly toward:

• Campaign operations
• प्रचार (very classy)
• And possibly a very nice Private Island headquarters

Together, we will make Torn safer.
We will make Torn richer.
We will make Torn so great that other cities — imaginary cities — will be jealous.

So donate.
Support the campaign.
Vote Trump for Mayor of Torn City.

MAKE TORN GREAT AGAIN.

My fellow citizens of Torn City,

Thank you. Tremendous crowd. Absolutely tremendous. I look out and I see grinders, traders, fighters, real winners — the best players, frankly, the best city in the entire game.

Today, I officially announce:
I am running for Mayor of Torn City.

And our slogan says it all:
MAKE TORN GREAT AGAIN.

Because let’s be honest — Torn used to be great. It really did. Back when money meant something, crimes paid properly, and you didn’t wake up in hospital every five minutes. Sad!

When I’m Mayor, things change. Big league.

Now, I’ll be very honest — very transparent, the most transparent campaign Torn has ever seen.

We’ve had some very unfortunate losses in campaign funding.
Some key contributors are gone.

Charlie Kirk — tremendous guy, very vocal, we are all Charlie Kirk — no longer contributing. Sad.
And Jeffrey Epstein, the New York financier — very wealthy, knew everybody — also no longer available to donate. Total disaster.

So now, the campaign turns to YOU, the people of Torn.

I’m asking for small donations — very small — whatever you can spare:

• A few million
• A few hundred million
• A billion, if you’re feeling patriotic

Every dollar goes directly toward:

• Campaign operations
• प्रचार (very classy)
• And possibly a very nice Private Island headquarters

Together, we will make Torn safer.
We will make Torn richer.
We will make Torn so great that other cities — imaginary cities — will be jealous.

So donate.
Support the campaign.
Vote Trump for Mayor of Torn City.

MAKE TORN GREAT AGAIN.

Alexxei, thank you for the clarification. Very detailed. Very long. Almost a sermon.

Nobody’s afraid. Believe me. I’ve dealt with far worse than edgy profile pictures and podcast links. Tremendous threats.

You say there’s no Satan — wrong. Totally wrong. There is a Satan, and I know him very well. Not a nice guy. But frankly, we have a tremendous relationship. Many people are saying it’s the best.

But here’s the important part: when a campaign post gets under your skin so badly that you feel the need to explain your religion, your avatar, and your worldview — that tells me it’s working. Big time.

I’m not scared — I’m winning.
You’ve got demons in your avatar, I’ve got momentum in Torn City.
You’ve got podcasts, I’ve got voters. Big difference.

So enjoy the philosophy. Truly. Sounds fascinating.
I’ll stick to leadership.

MAKE TORN GREAT AGAIN.

Alexxei… folks, I hate to say it, but this is very low energy. Very weak comment. People are telling me it’s the weakest reply they’ve ever seen on Torn. Sad!

And those profile pictures — demons everywhere. Horns, darkness, very spooky stuff. Not great! I look at that and I say, “Is this a campaign post or a dungeon boss?” Nobody knows.

Frankly, not very Christian energy. Not even a little bit.
You’ve got demons in your profile and negativity in your posts — pick a lane! The people of Torn want optimism, not Hell DLC.

You call it “low effort,” but let me tell you:
What’s really low effort is clicking “reply,” typing one sentence, and going back to polishing demon avatars.

Try again, Alexxei.

Bring something strong.
Bring something positive.
Or at least bring a profile picture that doesn’t look like it’s about to summon something.

MAKE TORN GREAT AGAIN.

My fellow citizens of Torn,

I regret to inform you that earlier today, there was a vicious and cowardly attack against me. An attempt on my life. Very serious. Very coordinated. People are talking about it everywhere.

I was hospitalized. That’s right. Sent to the hospital because I stand for something. Because I refuse to be controlled by the elites, the hoarders, the people who profit from a weak Torn. Sad!

Let me be very clear:
This was not random.
This was not a coincidence.

This was an attempt to silence a movement.

They know what happens if I win. They know Torn gets safer. They know Torn gets richer. They know grinders get respected again. And frankly, they are terrified.

But here’s the thing, they didn’t count on:
I’m fine. I’m strong. Stronger than ever.

Doctors came in, great doctors by the way, top-tier, and they said: “Sir, most people would stay down.”
I said: “No. Torn needs me.”

So to the attackers, the schemers, the hospital campers hiding in the shadows:
You failed. Completely failed.

And to the people of Torn:
If they’re willing to hospitalize me to stop this campaign, imagine how afraid they really are.

We will not stop.
We will not back down.
We will MAKE TORN GREAT AGAIN.

Vote Trump for Mayor of Torn City.
They can send me to the hospital.
They cannot stop the movement.

Thank you. Really beautiful reply. Some people are saying it is the best reply. Very powerful words, tremendous imagery. Steam. People love steam.

Look, folks, when I posted that message, I knew the haters would come out. They always do. Sad. Very sad. But that is OK, because while they are posting steam, we are posting vision.

You see, Torn does not need negativity. Torn needs strength. Torn needs leadership. Torn needs someone who knows deals, knows MONEY, knows how not to wake up in a hospital for five minutes. I know hospitals. I know minutes.

And let me tell you this. The steam of your piss? Low pressure. Very low pressure. Weak infrastructure. Under my administration, even the steam would be tremendous. World-class steam. 

So thank you for your contribution. It is noted. It is logged. Possibly taxed.

MAKE TORN GREAT AGAIN.

My fellow citizens of Torn City,

Thank you. Tremendous crowd. Absolutely tremendous. I look out and I see grinders, traders, fighters, real winners — the best players, frankly, the best city in the entire game.

Today, I officially announce:
I am running for Mayor of Torn City.

And our slogan says it all:
MAKE TORN GREAT AGAIN.

Because let’s be honest — Torn used to be great. It really did. Back when money meant something, crimes paid properly, and you didn’t wake up in hospital every five minutes. Sad!

When I’m Mayor, things change. Big league.

Now, I’ll be very honest — very transparent, the most transparent campaign Torn has ever seen.

We’ve had some very unfortunate losses in campaign funding.
Some key contributors are gone.

Charlie Kirk — tremendous guy, very vocal, we are all Charlie Kirk — no longer contributing. Sad.
And Jeffrey Epstein, the New York financier — very wealthy, knew everybody — also no longer available to donate. Total disaster.

So now, the campaign turns to YOU, the people of Torn.

I’m asking for small donations — very small — whatever you can spare:

• A few million
• A few hundred million
• A billion, if you’re feeling patriotic

Every dollar goes directly toward:

• Campaign operations
• प्रचार (very classy)
• And possibly a very nice Private Island headquarters

Together, we will make Torn safer.
We will make Torn richer.
We will make Torn so great that other cities — imaginary cities — will be jealous.

So donate.
Support the campaign.
Vote Trump for Mayor of Torn City.

MAKE TORN GREAT AGAIN.

My fellow citizens of Torn City,

Thank you. Tremendous crowd. Absolutely tremendous. I look out and I see grinders, traders, fighters, real winners — the best players, frankly, the best city in the entire game.

Today, I officially announce:
I am running for Mayor of Torn City.

And our slogan says it all:
MAKE TORN GREAT AGAIN.

Because let’s be honest — Torn used to be great. It really did. Back when money meant something, crimes paid properly, and you didn’t wake up in hospital every five minutes. Sad!

When I’m Mayor, things change. Big league.

Now, I’ll be very honest — very transparent, the most transparent campaign Torn has ever seen.

We’ve had some very unfortunate losses in campaign funding.
Some key contributors are gone.

Charlie Kirk — tremendous guy, very vocal, we are all Charlie Kirk — no longer contributing. Sad.
And Jeffrey Epstein, the New York financier — very wealthy, knew everybody — also no longer available to donate. Total disaster.

So now, the campaign turns to YOU, the people of Torn.

I’m asking for small donations — very small — whatever you can spare:

• A few million
• A few hundred million
• A billion, if you’re feeling patriotic

Every dollar goes directly toward:

• Campaign operations
• प्रचार (very classy)
• And possibly a very nice Private Island headquarters

Together, we will make Torn safer.
We will make Torn richer.
We will make Torn so great that other cities — imaginary cities — will be jealous.

So donate.
Support the campaign.
Vote Trump for Mayor of Torn City.

MAKE TORN GREAT AGAIN.

Thank you all for the offers, I'm officially employed 

MAN: 919

INT: 472

END: 1458

Need a new job my boss is a degenerate gambler 

Womp Womp?

To the fine proprietors of Me & The Boys Pub & Grill,

Hark! I, Sir Kombuiskaas, veteran of the East African Gin Expedition and first man to circumnavigate the back alley of Camden on a penny farthing whilst intoxicated, do hereby submit my formal interest in joining your most illustrious establishment.

Though my hands are calloused from sabering champagne bottles and my liver resembles a well-worn cricket ball, I dare say there is still fire in this old dog yet! I’ve served grog to pirates, dodged coconuts in Zanzibar, and once bartended a royal wedding I was not invited to.

What I lack in modern qualifications, I more than compensate for in roguish charm, questionable anecdotes, and a moustache of repute.

Let it be known: should you accept my application, I shall stand behind that bar like Horatio at Trafalgar — stalwart, slightly inebriated, and utterly committed to the cause.

Your humble servant (and future legendary barkeep),
Sir Kombuiskaas, O.B.E. (Order of Boozy Endeavour)
“I was there when it was just a dream and a half-empty bottle!” 🍻

To the fine proprietors of Me & The Boys Pub & Grill,

Hark! I, Sir Kombuiskaas, veteran of the East African Gin Expedition and first man to circumnavigate the back alley of Camden on a penny farthing whilst intoxicated, do hereby submit my formal interest in joining your most illustrious establishment.

Though my hands are calloused from sabering champagne bottles and my liver resembles a well-worn cricket ball, I dare say there is still fire in this old dog yet! I’ve served grog to pirates, dodged coconuts in Zanzibar, and once bartended a royal wedding I was not invited to.

What I lack in modern qualifications, I more than compensate for in roguish charm, questionable anecdotes, and a moustache of repute.

Let it be known: should you accept my application, I shall stand behind that bar like Horatio at Trafalgar — stalwart, slightly inebriated, and utterly committed to the cause.

Your humble servant (and future legendary barkeep),
Sir Kombuiskaas, O.B.E. (Order of Boozy Endeavour)
“I was there when it was just a dream and a half-empty bottle!” 🍻

I added you

Done