Duke's Valentine's Day Charity Drive

Listen up losers. Duke's got a new charitable side to him and I'm collectin money for kids what won't live so long, and I'm runnin a competition to advertise it too.

The Duke Special is the name of my charity cause them lil tykes down the orphanadge need all the help they can get. Duke was an orphan once so I knows how it feels. If yous wanna donate just send Duke the cash with the word DUKESPECIAL17 in the message so i know what its for and it ain't just a gift.

I ain't wanna accidentally keep your money now do I? Heheh.

And to advertise this Duke's also running a competition to find the most depressin, most dumbest or most stupid Valentine's Day story ever. I guarantee there's some doozies out there, I mean, you guys know you're pathetic right? Best one wins $250,000,000 and 2nd and 3rd win, I dunno, whatever I decide. My competition, my rules. Go nuts.

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UPDATE: Duke ain't much for cryin but I almost gonna cause you folks done yourselfs proud. $1,286,985,672 raised for them sick kids to go Disneyland or whatever. Duke gonna list the names of all the folks what been so generus in a minute, but first here's the winners of that crappy Valentines competition.

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Honoreble mentions go to Miro for bein a practical guy, dagrims for bein rejected by nerds, shh pretending he didn't poop the bed and 0ffline for turnin down a three-way like a moron.

Special prizes go to TxGemini and her man CrimsonXray. Pain meds and tissues. Sounds like yous need em.

3rd Place - Ninivah - I mean jesus christ kid? That was some dark **** right there. Your story was brutal and inspirin and all, and if this was Cosmo youdda won first prize. But it ain't, so yous don't.

2nd Place - Crack-Fox - you had a literal crappy Valentines day but you also learnt a valuable lesson. Showers don't do **** to ****. I mean how long would it actually have taken you to wipe for cryin out loud? You got somewhere important to be or somethin?

1st Place - Mcdooglebrown - I ain't laughed like that in a long time heheh you silly son of a *****. You got catfished by a dude in Torn. Great story. Ain't you learnt nothin in this town? Everyone's out to scam yous. You can't trust nobody. Not one single person. That's the moral of this story and every story. The most yous should travel for a broad you aint met is half an hour by car, train or maybe boat.

Enjoy your winnings you pathetic morons. At least everyone else done somethin good and donated to kids with broken bodies.

Duke

The trading post is over here.

Your jaw is over there...

[image: i.imgur.com]

Best Valentine's story?

I once took this bird out for a meal.

The contract was for £1,000 but I was hungry...

(If you want this explaining Duke, drop me a line)

I don't have a valentine's story at all, is that depressing?

how do we know us sending you money will give us the bank roll, could be like the errm what was it, send me cash and ill reveal all the annon stuff that has happened to you, like mails etc, is this another one duke i mean shirley.

I borrow money from duke to buy my gf flowers and chocolate.but i end up broke at casino :( so no valentine this years. Maybe next year?

In the 2nd grade, I got blow pop valentines for the whole class, because we had to give them to everyone. The day before, we spent time decorating these little mailboxes to put on our desk, and I put a bunch of flower stickers on it. Then on Valentines Day, we went to everybody's desk mailbox and put something in. And spent the rest of the day in a sugar high. (We also judged those kids who got the card valentines without the candy.) Well this kid, Bobby, thought that because I gave him a valentine that said "Don't be a sucker, Valentine!" that I really wanted him to be my valentine, so he followed me home after school. I told my brother who came in the front yard to yell at Bobby to go home, and so he did. The next day, I find out Bobby got kicked out of school.

Yeah that's my best Valentine's day story.

This sounds like a scam :)

I went out for a movie with her. But she is not my girlfriend, and never will. The end.

Hey bozo. Me and my boys in JFA got a bunch of special gifts for your girl... even though she's a bit heavy.



Send me 1b cash or this train is leaving the station. Get it, bozo? Train

.

You sent $10,000,000 to Duke with the message: DUKESPECIAL17



Lets see

Ok. So here I am, an average schmuck who just today got known as a loser around our fair city. I am sure it doesn't have anything to do with losses as much as it has to do with the fact that I am forever alone...without anyone in my life, I can go and get drunk off my ass. Sounds nice right? Well, not when there's no god damn bar to go to, on V-day at that...I kinda did some nutso things before, and now I can't even get wasted and have a one-night stand with someone who gets so drunk they can't tell their ass from their elbows.

So here I am committing the saddest crimes that a single not allowed to go to a bar man can do: computer viruses...because robbing people is hard when all they carry is some heart shaped candy...well, one of the bank accounts had a amount of cash marked as "for my love stephani"...being salty, I took all of the cash from that predetermined gift. After I was done committing these usual criminal actions, I went to the gym to do some reps...without a spotter...you know, you need friends for that shit.

After I did the loneliest workout, I went and downed 5 beers and decided to rob a place. Everywhere seemed to be a reminder of my mind numbing isolation except the sweet shop...they didn't seem to have any V-day decor outside. When I went in for some sweets, I saw a lot of heart shaped boxes of chocolate...conveniently, I had a gas can with me so I did myself a favor and burned a majority of those candies.

As I was walking, I saw a guy who offered a ring to some girl...he said "stephani, will you make me the happiest man in this world and marry me?". I didn't remember the name at the time, but I remembered the feelings from it...so I put them up at gunpoint and took the diamond ring, then said "he cheated on you..." and walked away hearing some shouting and stamping feet. Guess the guy's name was John...or she really needed to take a shit.

After that was all said and done, I went to my palace which had no staff as I couldn't afford to pay for friends, let alone actual workers...then took a seat in the living room and read the newspaper...Happened to look at the section of new laws in place, and that there is fellowship despite fighting among opposing factions...I threw that into the dump...while I was there, I found a box of sweet hearts and a box of tissues...I didn't find an erotic DVD though, I guess all I was gonna be cleaning up were my tears...

I went back to my humble, yet empty abode and decided to down some sake and eat some of the candy I found...I then turned on the TV and checked the news. Apparently some rich prick named John was planning to have a huge wedding and was gonna take a trip to cayman island, but some asshat stole his cash and got his would be wife to reconsider...at least I'm not the only one who's having a shit V-day.

That is hilarious, I need a good laugh today.

Hiya Duke you dodgy prick.

So, a few years ago, me and my then girlfriend checked into a nice hotel for a dirty valentines night away.

We ordered room service with lots and lots of drinks.

After a lovely meal, I hit the head, nipped of to the bog for a dump. Took me about ten minutes of squeezing - it was not an easy pass. After finally finishing, I decided to take a shower, so didn't really bother wiping. Stripping off, I realised that the towel was in the bedroom and so I nipped off to get it.

Walking into the bedroom, I was faced with my girlfriend, presenting herself on the bed for me. Smiling provocatively, a face that read "lets have some fun....."

A very short time later, I rolled over, panting-ish and lying next to my some what unsatisfied lady, I stared at the ceiling. Steadying my heart rate, I remembered that it was time to take a shower, so I got up, grabbed the towel and headed to the bathroom. On my way there, she called out

"Eeerrrgghhh grosse. Thats disgusting, Don't you wipe your ass?"

Looking over, I could see where the bed sheets had folded up my ass crack and become soiled in a nice neat little, shitty circle.

I haven't been able to get a date in my small town ever since.

Once upon a time, Torn was shut down.
:(:(:(:(:

Yous want 2billion, you pay Duke 2million with the word DUKESPECIAL17 in the message sent with the cash.

That is a significant amount less than 1%