There's probably loads of other threads about depression, i'm sorry for recycling this monotonous shit. You're free to leave.
I think we all experience a level of depression now and again, some more than others. If it was up to me, i'd be the first person to get rid of it. It's draining, repetitive and a huge leach on your mood in general. In my experience it would creep up slowly, making simple daily tasks a complete hassle. I don't want to talk to anyone. I have low mood and i'm often easily angered. My thoughts are less varied, and more concentrated on things I've messed up in the past, my future and life in general. When i'm feeling it, it's a lingering feeling of self worthlessness, self loathing and wishing it would pass like a menacing rain cloud. The duration varies. I often ponder how fast life is going and that everyone i went to school with 2 years ago now are all ricocheting into different career paths and lifestyles. Some even with families of their own. It serves to belittle what i have done in the past 2 years i've been off school, because others have achieved so much. Although i've been accepted into University (I'm from the UK btw) and set to go this September. I have trouble finding gratification in it when feeling like this. I've found that over the years I've developed a real lack of trust for anyone really. Only select friends and family.
As far as seeking help, i haven't got round to it. I feel like it could help, however I've lacked the energy and want to do it.
If you've got this far, i appreciate you taking this time out to read, any thoughts are welcome in the comments. Thank you.
What it feels like
A synopsis of how it feels to suffer from depression, to those who are lucky enough not to be drowned by it:
Imagine feeling nothing, no thoughts in particular (other than the ones i've stated above), just an emptiness, a void that seems bottomless. You try to fill it with many things. Maybe food will make you feel better? going out more? You lack the motivation. it's all for nothing when you find nothing can fill it. What's the point in trying if nothing helps?
An idea of what goes through my head in the brunt of a bad day.
I'm probably the lowest i've ever been to date, nothing is okay, sleeping is a chore when all i do is lay there staring at the ceiling. Adjusting to this new lifestyle of moving away from home and everything i've come to know, to a place i've never been before, new people. The sheer oxymoronic nature of my reality is baffling. I'm around all my friends, with people in the same boat as me, yet i still feel so isolated and alone. I can't let anyone in for fear that they will think differently of me. The only people that mean the most to me are not around. It's times like this where i come to understand the honest value of family. Sure, they piss you off when you're around them 24/7, but damn i'd give anything to go back to the way it was pre-university.
What significance is life if i can't break this rain cloud that is forever raining over my head. It infringes upon my ability to work, to concentrate, to get anything done at all. It's not just a bad day, i'm not just in a bad mood, this is how i live, and it's killing me.
Is continually putting bounties on an incredibly lower level than than yourself out of pure spite, harassment?
I ask this because to cut a long story short, i joined this guy's company, but later found a new company that pays more. So i left the original company and joined this new person's company.
in pure spite of doing so, the owner of the original company i was in has continuously put multiple bounties on me for the past week. At this point Torn is completely unplayable being in the hospital 24/7, due to the fact that it doesn't allow you to do anything while hospitalized.
Can something be done about this or is my account pretty much useless now?
keeping in mind, the owner of the original company is around level 40, and im only level 11.
Not about anything in particular, mostly just listening to thoughts that come and go. Some humbling, some worrying. Often drawing attention to times in the past where you'd ruined relationships, made the wrong decision or simply ruined things all together. It leaves you in a state of regret that you didn't do things differently when you had the chance to. Just like the saying, "you never know how much someone means to you until they're gone," and that is absolutely right. I know that it's pointless thinking about things in the past and staying hung on it because in the end, you can't do anything to change it. Just got to move forward and leave what's behind.
Would i be correct in saying self reflection is healthy? i think so. However when it focuses so heavily on the things i've screwed up it only serves to cripple me mentally.
There's no real direction for this thread, other than expressing my thoughts and feelings. It helps to take the edge off at times. Any thoughts? let me know. Thank you
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