I'm DeadbeatJesus, and I run the bazaar known as 'Absolute Goods'.
At 'Absolute Goods', we believe that there's no better way to drum up some business than with a good, old-fashioned porno lottery! So here's how it's going to work...
THE RULES:
In order to enter you will need to buy a Box of Tissues from my Bazaar, priced at $6,969. This will serve as your ticket.
There is a limit of TWO tickets per person. Any additional purchases will not be counted towards the draw.
There are 42 tickets available in total. I will visibly keep track of your ticket numbers within this thread. Tickets will be assigned chronologically, based on order purchased.
There will be FIVE winners, who will each receive 1x Erotic DVD.
Each entrant can only win a maximum of ONE prize.
THE REASON:
"But DeadbeatJesus..." I hear you murmur amongst yourselves, "...why are you giving away your hard earned pornography?" And you are wise to query this, as I do indeed have an ulterior motive...
'Absolute Goods' is buying plushies, flowers, drugs, bricks and beer, and I'd like to draw some much needed attention to this fact. You can find my Trading Post thread HERE, and my Pricing Spreadsheet HERE.
As an entrant into this lottery, you are under NO obligation to utilize my services, but if you find my prices fair and are looking for an active trader, please do swing by for some mutually satisfying trades and optional banter!
GOOD LUCK IN THE LOTTERY! BUMP FOR BONUS PRIZES!
You sent 5x Vicodin to Litzy with the message: Absolute Goods' Thread Bump Bonus! You sent 5x Vicodin to Megman1111 with the message: Absolute Goods' Thread Bump Bonus! You sent 5x Vicodin to Mzls1234 with the message: Absolute Goods' Thread Bump Bonus!
You sent an Erotic DVD to Diabolicale with the message: Tissues'n'Porn Lotto Winner! You sent an Erotic DVD to Eggsy with the message: Tissues'n'Porn Lotto Winner! You sent an Erotic DVD to MrLuna with the message: Tissues'n'Porn Lotto Winner! You sent an Erotic DVD to Dicko1 with the message: Tissues'n'Porn Lotto Winner! You sent an Erotic DVD to Hinotori with the message: Tissues'n'Porn Lotto Winner!
You know you've been playing Torn too long when your real-life muggers are waiting outside for 3 hours so they can steal another 10% of your wallet's contents.
Absolute Goods has been established as a safe-hub for all you importers and traders, new and old, who want to sell your plushies, flowers, drugs and more, without the risk of buy-mugging, and without losing your profits to unreasonable margins.
At Absolute Goods, I work hard to ensure I'm providing competitive pricing, and a quick turnaround on your trades. I'm incredibly active, for I truly have no life, and exist solely for your benefit.
The 'Quantity' for each item is editable, and your total sale and expected profits are accurately calculated, and remain visible from anywhere on the Spreadsheet. I hope this tool will serve to prove that, at Absolute Goods, we value your customer experience.
All trade requests welcome.
Fair prices. Fast processes. No mugging. Absolute Goods? Goodness, absolutely!
Edit: Found better prices? Send me your trader's price list. If my prices change as a result, I'll pay 2.5% more for our next trade!
I text my friends that have an in-depth knowledge of the sport I'm betting on for their opinion, and blindly trust them at their word. Then I give them scathing looks and scoff whenever they talk about their sports knowledge, after inevitably losing my bet.
Returned to Torn after a hiatus. Reunited with my old Faction. Discovered two of them are now married to each other, while another is making legit Torn raps over genuinely good beats. I didn't do anything besides express my happiness and goodwill towards them, but it's cool to come back to such positivity. Who said drugs, crime and gambling don't lead to good things?
Are you interested in a loveless marriage? Does partnership mean less to you than merits and the convenience of your very own airstrip? Can you afford to pay 352.5k per day? Be mine.
What I Provide: - The Ring - A Private Island - An Airstrip - I Will Leave You Alone
What You Provide: - $352.5k per day, paid to PI as Upkeep - A half-decent reputation as someone who isn't going to attract too much negative attention
DM me to discuss or propose.
P.S. PI Vault will not be shared. No gold diggers.
Edit: Happily married now. Ty all for the flattering amount of interest you've expressed towards this offer.
I know what you're gonna say. Why not just browse the abundant free porn on the internet to get your jollies? Right? Well... I understand if that does it for you, but for me there's something nice about holding a physical copy of Fetish Frenzy 8, or whatever the trending porno DVD at the time is. Yes, DVD. It's like Netflix but you have to buy the shows individually and manually load them into a 'DVD Player'.
Long story short, I was searching for Erotic DVDs. Found Torn. Now I can Torn while I Porn.
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