I decided to play Torn because I have a few friends that play, one has been playing for 13 years or so. I heard them talking about it in another game we play and honestly, it didn’t seem like fun. Most of what I heard revolved around play by post, and chains, and drugs, and people not listening on when to chain, and people not showing up to chain. Eventually I decided I would make a character without telling anyone and then maybe hit my friend in the head with a golden chain or something. He was level 100 or something, how long could that take anyway. So, thirty-four days ago, I watched some youtube videos, made my character, got the yearlong subscriber pack and 25 or 50 donator packs and was ready to wreck Torn.
When I get into a new video game or hobby, that is all I do until I have a semi decent understanding of it. So, for the rest of the week, which I had off because of a broken septic, I sat in front of the computer reading the wiki, watching old Torn videos (Seriously, someone should create some new ones), and clicking buttons to hopefully advance my character, when not talking to the plumber, ripping out carpet, or cleaning up sewage. The first thing I did was start the Introduction to Biochemistry course which cost $200 and will take 7d 0h 00m. Then I went to the gym. 17:43:10 - 03/05/25 You used 5 energy and 2 happiness training your defense in Premier Fitness increasing it by 0.16 to 10.16 and repeated that until my E was gone. Out of E, I went to the newbie forums and saw I should message someone named Fermion. A few dumb questions later I joined the Army, completed a mission for someone named George, trained some more with the E I got from the mission, Prayed at the church, and completed a few more missions.
On my first day, I started getting messages from people, asking me to marry them, join their company, join their faction, etc. I (hopefully) politely turned them all down until I got a message from someone named SmokesLetsGo. Smokes asked me a few questions, gave me some great info about starter weapons and armor, and told me about his faction, which I joined that day or the next. I also bought some lollipops and chocolates and used them ineffectively, bought a Xanax and used that immediately, went to the gym, and went to the casino where I lost about two million which I had because I sold a donator pack on the item market and didn’t get mugged. Lesson learned, if you are new and go to the casino for the merits, just do the $10 bets. Later I saw a forum post where if I bought a brick for $1, or maybe I just had to post, and if I was new, I would be sent $100,000. This was awesome! Thank you OraN.
I continued to train ineffectively and on day two I was attacked by another new person, petrisor. He lost that attack because Smokes had given me some good advice on armor and weapons to buy (Leather, a BT MP-9, and an Enfield). Feeling invincible, I then attacked and mugged petrisor for $8,519. Then I trained, did some crimes, took another Xanax, trained again, and did some missions for Duke. Things were going great!
By day four I had bought a couple of cars from the docks and bought the required stock in WSU for the faster education times. I sold more donator packs in the item market. I started buying more stocks, not placing last in the races, bought a pistol with the assassinate trait, and upgraded to combat armor through my guild. Then it happened. Someone anonymously mugged me for $5, sending me to the hospital for 0h 30m. When I sold a donator pack, I immediately bought what I needed, put the rest in the stock I was working on, and bought plushies or flowers from bits and bobs. I had heard about buy mugging so I rarely carried more than nine dollars on me because getting mugged was something I knew would happen again eventually.
On day six I used another Xanax and overdosed. I was not level 15, so I stayed with the ill effects. Lesson learned. Don’t do drugs before level 15. Also on day six, my new faction was going to war. I wouldn’t have to worry about this because I was a Greenleaf and couldn’t be attacked. Or so everyone said! Not being at level 15, I couldn’t fly and I didn’t know about self-hospitaling. I didn’t have to self-hospital though because as soon as I was out, someone would put me back in. Oddly many of the attacks hit me in the groin, so I sent a few messages to the enemy faction asking who liked my penis so much. I also asked if they could give me a few minutes to commit crimes and train, and they did, for which I was grateful. For three or four days, I was in the hospital getting stabbed in the groin when I got out with the occasional break so I could train or commit crimes. I think that war was with Knockout Care Corner and we may have won it; I don’t remember due to all the penis trauma. Either way, they seemed to be a standup faction.
Finally, the war ended, and I made a push for level fifteen which I got on day 11. I’d like to think it would have been sooner if not for the four-day hospital stay while we warred.
On day twelve I took another Xanax and OD'd again. However, this time I could fly! I went to Switzerland for my first stint in rehab. I also rented a PI based on advice from my faction. That was great advice, and I wish they realized I was flush with cash from DPs earlier. Through day nineteen I traveled, bought plushies and flowers, and prepped for a HJ, which I completed on day 19. I really should have done the HJ earlier! You used 1000 energy and 541 happiness training your strength 200 times in Davies Den increasing it by 8,761.59 to 9,363.07.
I also opened about 20 donator packs because I thought that was how to get points.
It isn’t. Don’t do what I did.
Day 20 we had War number two. My goal was to turtle on a plane as much as I could. I even got one attack in and sent someone to the hospital. I was at work all day and made the attack when I got to my car to leave, then flew out for the ride home. When I got home, I discovered we had negotiated a favorable loss, which was the right move since we were over matched. That was a quick war for which I was thankful. I did get hit in the penis a lot more. But with most of the marriages being same sex, it’s understandable that everyone wants to touch it, stab it, and shoot it. Our enemy faction was Phoenix Ascent, and they were great opponents, helping us rank down to a more appropriate place.
Days 21 through 30 I focused on crimes, racing, plushies, and HJs and on day 30 we went to war again.
Looking at the opposing faction, they obviously had us in levels so our strategy would be to turtle and wear them out to negotiate. At level 17, there were 4 targets I thought I could take between level 15 and 24. But I had to worry about the rest of the faction which went up to 95. I didn’t get a hit in until maybe day 3 since the four tarts I could take were usually already in the hospital when I landed, traveling, or there was a high-level waiting, so I just took off on a plane as soon as I landed.
The other faction leader didn’t appreciate our tactics and negotiations fell through.
So, we turtled, and though we were severely outmatched, and we had too many afk bleeders, we made it drag out for five days or more until well past the enlistment time.
Throughout the war I chatted with a few opposing members who all seemed really cool. Talked to the level 15 about how hard a war was at this low level with low stats and how good he was at self-hospitalizing. Talked to another about why he shot me in the penis and left it bleeding, so he sent me a bloody apron. I repaid him with a donator pack, which I think is fair. There was some shit posting between some of the members, but overall, I think most people thought it was all fun.
The opposing leader however, was having a bad week. He made a post in the forums about how you shouldn’t be able to fly at war, which got completely trashed. (That post is in the graveyard now with the first entry edited out). He threatened to raid us after the war. Finally, he did declare the raid about one minute after the war ended.
As a level 17 by then, I could do nothing against most of the opposing faction. I did have a buch of donator packs though and off to the discords I went. I asked how much it would cost to have a faction raid another, thinking $2B might cover it. There was a lot of laughter for that. However, several people did message me and a few donator packs later, I had contracts out on their top 5 and their leader, with more going against the leader.
While most of the top 5 had been really cool, they seriously outmatched us in power. But no one outmatches me in pettiness. I bought more donator packs and put out more contracts on their faction, not telling my faction about it until much later.
What I didn’t know was that many in the opposing faction weren’t OK with the raid and didn’t attack. Once I found this out, I called off the top 5 contracts and put it all on the leader. However, day two of the raid, I was extremely tired of only sleeping for 3.5 hours at a time, and left my faction so I could sleep, and train, without giving away respect. The raid ended one hour later.
The next day I rejoined the faction and now I wait to become a full member again. I’ve cancelled all my contracted hits and will now focus on training and wealth.
Overall this has been a pretty fun month and I believe my penis will recover. I hope you enjoyed my tale, leave a message below and at the end of June I’ll send out a donator pack to one of the people who replied probably randomly selected, but maybe it’s a scam, which is legitimate in Torn.
